perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us

Yesterday, separate, in the evening.

I love Rilke. I need to dig out my book of his poetry and immerse myself in his liquid sweet words. After having seen Abs' sweet black-eyed susan torso tattoo, I am sorely tempted to get a line of Rilke snaking down my side. But only if I stay thin. So maybe, if in 6 months I am still this size, I'll consider it.currently at work during the slowest week ever- ShutDown. Almost no EB people at all (or at least that we can see, I'm sure there are some in the Radcon areas that can't be left unsupervised) and most of our people are out also. I've been bringing books to read, already got through Princess Bride and my huge Omnibus of Irish Folk & Faery Tales. I brought in Cold Mountain, but it hasn't really pulled me in, and given that my eyes are dry and sore, I am not motivated to read it. So I read some news online, and perhaps will read some Hans Christian Anderson fairy tales online later.

Tomorrow at midnight, a new decade begins. 2010. Madness. In which my parents will indubitubly finalize their divorce, in which I may in fact become a REAL employee, and in which, quite early on, I will be turning 25. And Abs and EA, 21. Where does the time go? I can't recall what it was that I had hoped to have done or been by the time I was 25, but I am pretty sure I have not met past-me's expectations. Do any of us? When you were a mere 15, the age of Quincenera, what did you imagine for yourself in ten years? Does it count if you feel like in some ways you surpassed your own predictions? Even if you fell quite short of others? I never even knew there WAS Summa Cum Laude until college, never mind imagining that I could acheive it. Nor could I have guess that History was a subject that would invigorate my senses and lead me to write a senior project worthy of awards and acclaim. And a student volunteerism award? Forget about it. Ok, so I am single, chronically ill, living at home and working in a job that is intellectually far beneath me, in order to save money to pay off debts prior to entering a PhD program at some point. It is not glamorous, or even all that intersting. But what I have done, and thusly shown that I am capable of doing, are great things.

So perhaps 25 is a stepping stone. No, I might not have my doctorate and be doing what I love before 30, but I'll get there. What I have done tells me what I can do, and I aim to do it soon.

Happy 2010.

i feel it in my fingers....

I feel it in my toes....Christmas is all around me....

I like that song from Love Actually. That Bill Nighy, what a card! Well, looks like Bing has made the magic happen, we had a HUGE blizzard on Saturday, dropping a good 18 inches on us, so a White Christmas is indeed in store (the temps have been pretty frigid so it isn't going to be melting away anytime soon....) I am for the most part done with my holiday shopping, just have some gift cards to pick up for the twins. I didn't send holiday cards to people this year. No energy, no money for stamps, etc. I feel like a failure to my friends, but then, I haven't really heard from any of them (aside from Mangano) in months, aside from FB comments on random things. I wish them the best for the holiday season, I've just flaked out on telling them that. In other news, Ms. A got home today (after a major train delay) but I haven't seen her yet, allegedly she went over to Kat and Christophers to play Wii. Great. My Sunday night date with Heather was delayed due to my awful driveway (the plower didn't come till later in the evening) so we rescheduled to Tuesday. Tomorrow. I got her a bottle of wine Spellbound, some California Sirah. I also got her a box of chocolates, and a book about wine for the ladies. Hopefully she'll dig it. It is a "relaxing evening at home" type of gift. Speaking of which, I'll be doing just that this evening....wrapped up in an afghan, sipping a glass of milk and blogging. Seems good to me.

The weight has been holding in the 120s, though today a new all time low at 124.7. I tried to eat more today, even purchasing TWO donuts at dunkin, but only ate half a Boston Kreme and saved the strawberry frosted for later. Around lunch time, after eating about 1/4 of my sandwich, had a bad feeling in the digestive sense and could not make myself eat more. Around 2pm tried to eat a pear, but only got 1/2 of that down. And now, some milk. Probably better for me anyway to not mow down on every food item I see all the time.

Also- signed up for 24-hour theatre project with Intentional! Very excited, though it isn't till February 5&6. Should be fun- working with David ALWAYS is!

Happy Holidays to the blogging world!

high school?

This morning I weighed 128 pounds (unclothed btw). I haven't seen that number on a scale since I was in good ol Montville High School. A number of emotions ran through me. First, giddiness. How could I not be excited? Every woman likes to see the lowest number possible pop up on the evil scale of death. Plus, I can also see the weight loss, especially when I turn sideways, my waist looks a lot smaller. And my pants don't fit. Excepting some that I haven't been able to fit into in a while. But mostly I have to wear belts, and tighten them a lot (some pants just look stupid when you have to belt them that hard....like they bunch up and you look like you're trying to wear your grandpas pants). The second emotion was fear. Not fear because I'm concerned that I'm losing too much, or for a wrong reason (which is that I am currently unable to eat moderate quantities of food without feeling extremely nauseous), but actually I was afraid my mother would find out. Now, mind you, at the time I weighed myself this morning, she was still completely asleep....dead to the world. But I get nervous that somehow she will discover it. SHE does not think it is right for me to be losing so much so fast...that this whole nauseous all the time thing is bad. I don't think it is bad. Because in a sense, it has freed me from my constant eating problem. I used to eat a ton all the time. And mostly junk food. But now that I've been forced to limit how much I eat before my stomach starts to reject it, I have been forced to make better choices about what to eat. In order to get my nutrients, I have to choose to eat veggies and fruits and proteins, and not have big carb items or other things that will both fill my shrinking stomach faster, but also have no nutritional benefits. Occasionally I have a snack that is like a 2"x2" brownie square, or one of those mini cookies, but other than that I can't eat that much. The other factor is that I can only eat certain things that appeal to me. That is a challenge, because so often I will contemplate food options in my head, and almost instantaneously will have a gut reaction as to whether or not I'll be able to eat it. The other day for example, I ran through a lot of options, leftovers from Thanksgiving (stomach turn), spaghetti (stomach turn), leftover Chinese (huge stomach turn) and I realized there were no options that I wanted in my house. So I decided not to eat dinner at all, re-set my insulin pump so I didn't die overnight, and went to bed. I am ok with this whole thing. I like to think of it as my body suddenly realizing what is good for it and making sure that I comply. My parents, particularly my mother, have an issue with it. I think she is in fear of me developing an eating disorder, because of the nameless sibling having an eating disorder for so long and my mother knowing nothing about it. But she doesn't understand that I don't have a choice...it is extremely difficult to force feed oneself when you're nauseous....almost impossible for me actually. When I am hungry, I do eat. But when I'm not, I can't. For now, I'm just trying to secretly enjoy the svelte-ing process, and ignore my crazed mother.