ugh

Well let us see.....the opening night of my show was really good. There were of course, a few flubs but for the most part, I was totally on and the other good folk were as well. Its just the two that aren't on that are a problem. A problem which got worse Saturday. So those two get to do extra work this week, to help them not ruin the show. It is very frustrating having to clean up after someone onstage....no one likes having to do on the spot improv because you can't remember your lines. So maybe by next weekend it will be better. On opening night, E's 14-year old pack of guy friends called me hot. Creeeeeepy. I'm sorry but having someone who is 9 years younger and huge jailbait call you hot is disconcerting. Nevermind that I dated someone 9 years older than me, I was 18 at the time and so it wasn't illegal. And nothing happened anyway. So yea that was weird. D has like, told his 25-year-old, apparently well-worked-out and rather handsome boss to come to the show, and promised to introduce us. He must have talked me up a lot, since the kid gave him a bottle of scotch to thank him, and he hasn't met me yet. We'll see how that turns out. I would like to have a distraction.

Saturday sucked, because I once again said how I feel about something, and apparently that is just no good. I'm really done with this this time. Like, he continues to act like its just me being crazy and mad for no reason, and the thing is, I explained why I felt like I do. I said precisely what was making me upset. Not even mad because I wasn't mad, I just felt like he only talks to me (once a week) because he thinks he has to. Because he calls when he only has ten seconds to talk, rambles on about himself and his life and how great and busy he is, briefly asks about my life, but barely listens (and I know this because when I re-mention things in the next weeks' chat, he has no clue what I'm talking about). Then he gets off the phone quick. Or, better yet, the time I called him since he hadn't called me that week, he made me feel like I was interrupting him and S working, so I said I would call back, and he said no so we talked for two seconds again, then he put S on the phone. So for him to tell me this is just me being me (read= me being unreasonably crazy and jealous and not believing that he gives a shit) and that he was done trying to convince me that he actually cares or wants to be my friend is bullshit. Thats what makes me so upset. That we are supposed to be best friends, supposed to be able to talk to eachother about things, and when I try to be honest and say that I feel like he's only doing things to make it seem like he is keeping up his end of the friendship, because all evidence points to that, he flips out and makes me seem like the bad person. And hes like "you do this all the time- if I'm not constantly in touch with you, you get mad so that I'll pay attention to you. and you get mad because I won't have an argument about this with you." I found that to be key. Because no he isn't constantly in touch with me. And even when he is in touch with me, I feel like it is just something to check off his busy to-do list. Like, oh I better call her so that she doesn't get mad (because that is all I do. he thinks I'm mad all the time. When sometimes I'm just quiet, or just don't have anything to say, or don't really care, he thinks I'm mad and judging. He never EVER sees me as anything but that) and when he does talk to me, its not real. Its not like he is calling because he wants to hear my voice, or wants to know how I am, or has something awesome about his life to tell me. He sits there and literally has to think of things to say....like once the first few things of the week are done, he goes "hmm what else...." trying to find something. He once said "don't worry I'll have better stories next week". Stories? Do we really need to come up with stories to be able to talk? When we do talk, I feel like what I'm saying isn't important. He doesn't care about my health stuff and would prefer not to talk about it (I think hes the only person more in denial about it than me. like if you ignore that I'm chronically ill, then I'm not allowed to be. and thus can't use it as an excuse for anything or try to get attention with it. because thats what I try to do) and anything else I mention gets turned into something that happened to him. Like him getting contacted by his ex from 4 years ago, and being all worried that he might have a kid. then saying "so yea luckily I don't have any kids, yet" and I just wanted to scream at him "if you weren't such a freaking manwhore you wouldn't have to worry about that at all. If you were smart and didn't just fuck around un-safely, then you wouldn't have to have that fear of having random offspring" but no. I can't say anything. He always says how he hates my family because he thinks they make me feel bad about myself, and how I need to get away from them. I think its him that makes me feel bad. 

The moral of the story is, I am cutting him out of life for now. I wrote his number down on a piece of paper and hid it away, then took him out of my phone. Then I can't be tempted to contact him. And fuck things up more. He said it is always the same old story with us. So I say, lets close the book. And then burn it. I don't know what to do about his party. I guess I'll still do it. I haven't told anyone about the fight or anything (ie my family) because it is just more of the same and they are sick of him. so I guess I'll fake it. Have the party (at least it will be fun halloween stuff) and try not to care. Thats the real trouble- caring.  

who invented jealousy anyway

So I just woke up from an awful dream....in which I was openly jealous of two of my friends hanging out. Which leads me to believe that despite how sure I was that I'm over things, I'm not. Damnit. This would be the appropriate time, if this were a romantic comedy, for the "perfect guy" to fall out of the air and though I wouldn't realize it at first (because I would still be being jealous and stupid) he would be the right one and then I would be happy and to heck with those that make me jealous. I feel like, to some extent, it probably isn't right that I can't get over someone until I've found someone new to like. That doesn't seem productive. Ick. As if I need this right now.

Show is bugging me out. Tonight we have off, which is good, but also bad. Good because I need a night to sleep more than 6 hours (and I know I know, some people survive on like 2 or less hours- but I'm not some people I'm me dangit) and if we don't rehearse I get to go to bed early. Bad because we need the practice. I'm shaking in my boots on this one. Again, not because of me so much, but mostly interactions with the other actors and things. So I'm wigging out. A bit. A lot.

Purchase makes me want to kill someone. Apparently it is commonplace to not let people know that you've made some sort of cut to the candidate list, and they aren't on it. So in other words, even Purchase freaking college screws people, including their own alumni. Thanks assholes. And now I'm really nervous, if I can't get a job there, where am I ever going to be hired? Been trying not to think about the job thing too much because I don't need to stress myself more than necessary during a show, but seriously? I'm going to be homeless, insuranceless, and jobless and I don't want to live in a cardboard box!

Started putting the wheels in motion for Halloween/surprise party for certain people. Its going to be uber sweet. And my friends are ready and willing to help out! And I already know what I'm wearing for Halloween. There will be a mask involved. As dumb as this sounds, I look good in masks. Something to do with the fact that you can really only see my eyes, and lips. They are some good features. Anyway, so I'm pumped for that.

Now, to take a hot shower and erase all my negative jealous feelings so they can't stew more. And perhaps to attempt to get him out of my head. argh.

I wanna wake up where you are

You know what is so weird....some days you can wake up feeling all sunshine and rainbows, and then the next day is like "I miss my old life! BOOOOO". I just think it is funny how the blues seem to come in odd waves. 

Well, tomorrow begins Hell Week. Yes that week that all theatre people dread, and yet are waiting in excited antici...................pation for. (and yes that was a Rocky reference). I'm nervous of course, but I know my skills. I'll be fine. More than fine really, I'll be damn good. I'm not trying to be full of myself, but Herr Direktor has only given me minimal criticisms, but several times I'm singled out as someone who is really doing great things. And in a cast of 6, being singled out is pretty sweet. I just need to get words down pat. He doesn't allow ad libbing. So that needs to be fixed. In the meantimes, got some sweet flats for the character that I will then continue to wear in real life, they are this deep red so that they almost look black, until there is light shining on them, then they're bright. And they have this zipper detailing that is awesome. Very cool. And I decided she's a red lipstick kinda gal. Neveryoumind that I look kind of weird in it (too pale) but she has to have it. Anyway, I'm really psyched. Once again, I express my deep hope that my friends make it. By whatever means possible. and that they reserve seats www.intentionaltheatre.com  because there really is NO ROOM. I know some of them have said they just need to get here, and I appreciate their effort. (aka I heart KH)

What else....possibly grabbing some coffee with an old crush today....and NO he did not ask me out. I asked him. Because I'm bored. I have NO friends here excepting my sister and she has her own life and thats not cool. No, it is cool she has her own life, just not that I feel like I'm interfering because I have no friends of my own. So what's the harm in a little coffee. I'm pretty much guaranteed that hes going to think I got fat and ugly, so no chance of weirdness, and I don't have to impress him. So I'm hoping just to actually have a nice un-awkward chat. Lets keep those fingers crossed.

Have to take pictures today to send in my package down to Washington- the Mitchell Scholarship!!!! It is due next week, but if I send it Monday it will be there in time. I hope hope hope hope hope the recommenders keep up their end. I'm nervous. And pumped. I hope the judges find me worthy. 

I'd say that is just about it. No doctors this week (hurrah) So just have to live through Hell Week and put on a sweet-ass performance Friday and Saturday. Oh year, and my dad's birthday is the 24th. Giving him money, to contribute to the LCD flatscreen he just bought himself (even though I'm not supposed to know he bought it already) so I thought given how expensive they are, I'd be safe offering $200 of my hard-earned dollars. Plus I just paid off some more of GFred's loan, another $200. So who is broke till Friday? Oh yes, ME. And I have to pay for my damn health insurance (371 a month- maybe I'd rather forego it and just die). I still haven't heard from any jobs. Oh well.

Chin up! Put a smile on! As Dean Martin would be crooning, "The future's brighter, when hearts are lighter, so darlin smile smile smile!"

The Grinch's heart was two sizes too small.

I think this is fitting- Phil calls me McGrinch, and my heart seems to be broken (or perhaps just too small) right now. Tomorrow is back to Boston. For my echocardiogram. I keep having these nightmares in which they go to do the echo, and something is horribly wrong. Like a giant tumor on my heart. Or they say something like, "why you silly girl, you have no heart at all. good luck finding happiness in life with no heart" or something like in one of those alien movies where a creepy alien baby gets all offended by the test and rips out of my chest. Yes, I realize I'm over dramatic. But I can't help it. You can take the girl out of the theatre but you can't take the theatre out of the girl. 

In other news, the show progresses. Not much longer now. I'm starting to feel the role. And love it more and more each time. 

I had an ok time up north with my baby vietnamese cousins. Soooooo cute. They are too damn adorable. And the best is when they get excited and laughing and smiling- they have dimples and it just about makes my heart want to burst they are so cute. And tiny. They are peanuts. Not quite on the American scale yet. In fact, they weigh 18 each. My dog, Vivi, weighs 22. Sad. She needs a diet and they need to eat more. But they are sweeties. Zoe especially- shes the easy going twin. Tylie is high maintenance. It was awesome to see them. 

Thats about it. I'm hoping tomorrow brings some sort of idea of why my heart is a useless piece of crap (both as an organ AND in relation to my love life) and we can fix at least part of it. 

She said she loves me like fireworks

I realized how much I miss being in love. You know, the goofy grin plastered on your face all the time, how you have the butterflies in the stomach when you merely think of the person, how you always think about them even when you really ought to be focusing on more important things. How a simple call or text from them shoots you to the moon. I miss that a lot. And what is worse is remembering yourself in love with particular people (because really, was it all that long ago? no not at all) and for someone like me, who falls really hard really fast, the memories are abundant. And I remember the details. Like the first thing I baked for someone, and how they reacted. The first time I may or may not have sneakily connived them into making out. (the fact that I had to do that ought to have been a red flag- warning, if you have to do all the work, he is NOT it). The first time I woke up next to them and couldn't even express how happy that made me, despite not really having slept well at all. Its that sort of stuff that gets me every time. And so I wait (not very patiently) for the next time it happens. And hope hope hope its the last time. That I can find the person that waking up next to every single day seems like the only important thing in life. That guy. Who knows. 

In other news, my heart is useless. The actual organ. Tuesday night, as I was asleep, it freaked out again. Boo to that. Woke me right up. But luckily calmed down so no ER. Thank heavens. But it is still worrisome. Like what the heck triggers my heart to start jackhammering? The Dr in Boston was good, have to get records released and copied and sent to her, and have an echocardiogram next Tuesday (because she thought the whole heart thing was suspicious too) and she put me on a new med that is supposed to be really good for inflammation of the lining of lungs and heart and such. So I'm hopeful. 

Driving up to Buffalo with Mom today to sort out some nasty business with her siblings. My stupid aunt (as in married into the fam) gave away my grandmother's sofa that was being stored in their basement, and which had been promised to my grandmother's sister. What is worse is that 1) she gave it away BEFORE my grandmother passed, and way before she had even had the stroke, meaning she basically just didn't ask permission (because mind you, my aunt hadn't spoken to her since like March). 2) she gave it to her mother, who is an uber bitch that hates our family so much, she didn't even attend her own daughters wedding to my uncle because she refused to associate with us. 3) my uncle didn't say a damn thing about it. The sofa certainly didn't meander up the cellar stairs and take a walk to her mother's house. It had to have been moved. In what part of his mind was this ok? ugh. So figuring that out. 

fin.

random is fun?

So at some devilishly late hour of the night (really only quarter of two am) I got a text. At first, I was totally ready to yell at A for texting me in the middle of the night which he KNOWS not to do. Then I saw it was an unknown number. And it was a text from an oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooold crush. Like I worshipped him in hs. Used to let him copy my math homework every morning in homeroom for our class later that day. And of course he had a girlfriend and I was totally kidding myself. And then after high school who knows what happened to him. The last time I had seen him, to be honest, he looked awful. Heavy (which for the former soccer/wrestling star was shocking) and depressed. And the rumors about him were not promising. So evidently he was working at the bar he works at last night, and saw my sister out with her friends, and asked how I was, and for my number. And she gave it to him. So he texted me in the middle of the night, saying "hey beautiful its ***** I ran into your sis tnite in the bar just wanted to say hi and hope all is well, sorry for being so random". I didn't respond till morning, honestly, I was so groggy, confused and overall shocked I doubt I would have said anything sensible. So this morning I was like "sorry for the lapsed response, but I was asleep. I am well, how are you? and don't worry, random is fun!" thinking that it was morning, he was working at a bar the night before, he wouldn't be awake or see it for hours. 

Lies.

Thus began 45 minutes of kind of catching up via text. In which he informed me that hardcore exercising is really good for stress and depression and I should try it, he asked if I had a boyfriend and when I said I was unattached but ok with that, he went on to inform me that he has given up the pursuit of love because it is pointless, and he needs to work on himself for a while, and also wanted me to send a picture of myself. It was weird. He also mentioned he recently lost a good friend, so I'm thinking maybe he is trying to reconnect with old acquaintances or something. Because otherwise I don't know why he would care. I was just the geek who gave him homework. He always kind of was teasingly nice to me and sort of would get my hopes up and then of course nothing ever happened. So I don't know whats up with this, but whatever. There isn't any harm in me being nice to him. Hes had troubles in the past few years, so maybe he just needs a friend, and remembers me as the nice geek who gave him homework, and figures I would still be nice. Who knows. Its not like I couldn't use some friends or people to hang out with once in a while. So, old crush, new friend. Maybe. 

In other news, the show goes well. I'm pretty much off book and the actual acting and blocking gets better every time. I'm actually getting revved up. Hopefully my friends come. 

now, to bed since I have to be up at 5am. half day of work then Boston for the new rheum. tomorrow!

I hate being wrong. Further, I hate having to admit that I've been wrong. It is made even more obnoxious when it is something I ought to be sublimely right about, which is to say, myself. But I've been damn wrong. Like, wronger than wrong. This is going to seem stupid to anyone who reads it. But in the end, it is more about me getting it out. I thought I was going to die today. I thought I was having a heart attack. And I sort of did. Not in the real clinical sense mind you, because later when they checked for the enzymes that get released after you have a heart attack, only one of my levels was elevated. But my heart was about to pound itself out of my chest, it was beating so hard and so fast, it was like a jackhammer. Combine that with the intense pain in the center of my chest, and the sweating and clammy pale me clutching my chest, and it lasting for 15 minutes before I called my parents (they were at a funeral I didn't want to bother them) and then another 45 minutes really before they called an ambulance. Once I got a bunch of oxygen, things calmed down. And don't get me wrong, I tried to do the slow down the breathing thing, to do in through the nose, out through the mouth- try to be calm thing. But it wasn't working. Which, admittedly, made me freak out more. Because I thought I was having a heart attack and dying. At 23. While watching, of all things, House, on TV. I didn't want an ambulance so that made me even more hysterical. The oxygen really did help. Half way to the hospital, my heart calmed down and the pain was receding. But my bp was (is) still high, as is my pulse rate. Once at the hospital, two ekgs and xrays and bloodwork showed me to be fine. With the exception of the crazy one enzyme. So I didn't really have a heart attack. Just nearly. 

So I've been pretty wrong about the whole way I live. I really actually do have to take care of myself. I really do need to not eat bad things, and exercise, and lose weight. Its not really an option. I thought I was going to die. I've not often felt like that before. And if I die at my age of a freaking heart attack, that is just unacceptable. I can't play this stupid nothing bad will happen I can do what I want game anymore. If I want to live, I actually have to live right. I know people will think this is lame. And a lot of people will be like "uh duh Meagan we've all been watching you act like a schmuck and hurt yourself and you never change". But I've never really thought I would get that close. Or at least think I was that close. So it is time for me to change. I don't know how, but I can't be having almost-heart-attacks all the time. What if it had been a real one? I don't even know. I just know, this is it. Turning point. September 6, 2008. I am going to live well. and hopefully, longer. 

sorry to be a downer as usual. but I just needed to get it out. 

some chain-smokin, whiskey-guzzlin prostitute

Not gonna lie...I love the play I'm in. It is just a ton of fun. Mom ran lines with me tonight (only like 3-4 imperfections on my part-wooo)  and she was laughing and I remembered what we wrote at the top of our scripts first rehearsal "This is a comedy". And it is. It is dang funny. Bordering on Christopher Durang funny. I hope people come to see it. AKA I hope my friends don't flake out on me like usual and not come. 

Nothing else going on. In a fight with sister K because shes a jerk. I don't like being lied to. I can deal with being blown off and if you want to spend time with other people instead of me, fine. I'm ok with that. But don't lie to me and say you're going to go home and just go to bed early, to get rest for our planned outing tomorrow, and then stay up till 2am with some random person over. Jerk.

Not a word on any job prospects. I have no patience for such nonsense.  I need to write my personal statement for the scholarship, get photos, and make copies of my birth certificate, transcripts, and mail all that hoopla down to dc. Only a month before it is due. Hopefully all my recommendations get done (please professors- don't fail me now!).

I'm pretty depressed and lonely. I miss my friends. a lot. being home alone is sad. oh well. Just gotta get through things. thats all I have to say. 

ps. painted my nails a very almost black shade, but when the light hits it you see the maroon sparkliness. mom thinks I look like a vampire.