perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us

Yesterday, separate, in the evening.

I love Rilke. I need to dig out my book of his poetry and immerse myself in his liquid sweet words. After having seen Abs' sweet black-eyed susan torso tattoo, I am sorely tempted to get a line of Rilke snaking down my side. But only if I stay thin. So maybe, if in 6 months I am still this size, I'll consider it.currently at work during the slowest week ever- ShutDown. Almost no EB people at all (or at least that we can see, I'm sure there are some in the Radcon areas that can't be left unsupervised) and most of our people are out also. I've been bringing books to read, already got through Princess Bride and my huge Omnibus of Irish Folk & Faery Tales. I brought in Cold Mountain, but it hasn't really pulled me in, and given that my eyes are dry and sore, I am not motivated to read it. So I read some news online, and perhaps will read some Hans Christian Anderson fairy tales online later.

Tomorrow at midnight, a new decade begins. 2010. Madness. In which my parents will indubitubly finalize their divorce, in which I may in fact become a REAL employee, and in which, quite early on, I will be turning 25. And Abs and EA, 21. Where does the time go? I can't recall what it was that I had hoped to have done or been by the time I was 25, but I am pretty sure I have not met past-me's expectations. Do any of us? When you were a mere 15, the age of Quincenera, what did you imagine for yourself in ten years? Does it count if you feel like in some ways you surpassed your own predictions? Even if you fell quite short of others? I never even knew there WAS Summa Cum Laude until college, never mind imagining that I could acheive it. Nor could I have guess that History was a subject that would invigorate my senses and lead me to write a senior project worthy of awards and acclaim. And a student volunteerism award? Forget about it. Ok, so I am single, chronically ill, living at home and working in a job that is intellectually far beneath me, in order to save money to pay off debts prior to entering a PhD program at some point. It is not glamorous, or even all that intersting. But what I have done, and thusly shown that I am capable of doing, are great things.

So perhaps 25 is a stepping stone. No, I might not have my doctorate and be doing what I love before 30, but I'll get there. What I have done tells me what I can do, and I aim to do it soon.

Happy 2010.

i feel it in my fingers....

I feel it in my toes....Christmas is all around me....

I like that song from Love Actually. That Bill Nighy, what a card! Well, looks like Bing has made the magic happen, we had a HUGE blizzard on Saturday, dropping a good 18 inches on us, so a White Christmas is indeed in store (the temps have been pretty frigid so it isn't going to be melting away anytime soon....) I am for the most part done with my holiday shopping, just have some gift cards to pick up for the twins. I didn't send holiday cards to people this year. No energy, no money for stamps, etc. I feel like a failure to my friends, but then, I haven't really heard from any of them (aside from Mangano) in months, aside from FB comments on random things. I wish them the best for the holiday season, I've just flaked out on telling them that. In other news, Ms. A got home today (after a major train delay) but I haven't seen her yet, allegedly she went over to Kat and Christophers to play Wii. Great. My Sunday night date with Heather was delayed due to my awful driveway (the plower didn't come till later in the evening) so we rescheduled to Tuesday. Tomorrow. I got her a bottle of wine Spellbound, some California Sirah. I also got her a box of chocolates, and a book about wine for the ladies. Hopefully she'll dig it. It is a "relaxing evening at home" type of gift. Speaking of which, I'll be doing just that this evening....wrapped up in an afghan, sipping a glass of milk and blogging. Seems good to me.

The weight has been holding in the 120s, though today a new all time low at 124.7. I tried to eat more today, even purchasing TWO donuts at dunkin, but only ate half a Boston Kreme and saved the strawberry frosted for later. Around lunch time, after eating about 1/4 of my sandwich, had a bad feeling in the digestive sense and could not make myself eat more. Around 2pm tried to eat a pear, but only got 1/2 of that down. And now, some milk. Probably better for me anyway to not mow down on every food item I see all the time.

Also- signed up for 24-hour theatre project with Intentional! Very excited, though it isn't till February 5&6. Should be fun- working with David ALWAYS is!

Happy Holidays to the blogging world!

high school?

This morning I weighed 128 pounds (unclothed btw). I haven't seen that number on a scale since I was in good ol Montville High School. A number of emotions ran through me. First, giddiness. How could I not be excited? Every woman likes to see the lowest number possible pop up on the evil scale of death. Plus, I can also see the weight loss, especially when I turn sideways, my waist looks a lot smaller. And my pants don't fit. Excepting some that I haven't been able to fit into in a while. But mostly I have to wear belts, and tighten them a lot (some pants just look stupid when you have to belt them that hard....like they bunch up and you look like you're trying to wear your grandpas pants). The second emotion was fear. Not fear because I'm concerned that I'm losing too much, or for a wrong reason (which is that I am currently unable to eat moderate quantities of food without feeling extremely nauseous), but actually I was afraid my mother would find out. Now, mind you, at the time I weighed myself this morning, she was still completely asleep....dead to the world. But I get nervous that somehow she will discover it. SHE does not think it is right for me to be losing so much so fast...that this whole nauseous all the time thing is bad. I don't think it is bad. Because in a sense, it has freed me from my constant eating problem. I used to eat a ton all the time. And mostly junk food. But now that I've been forced to limit how much I eat before my stomach starts to reject it, I have been forced to make better choices about what to eat. In order to get my nutrients, I have to choose to eat veggies and fruits and proteins, and not have big carb items or other things that will both fill my shrinking stomach faster, but also have no nutritional benefits. Occasionally I have a snack that is like a 2"x2" brownie square, or one of those mini cookies, but other than that I can't eat that much. The other factor is that I can only eat certain things that appeal to me. That is a challenge, because so often I will contemplate food options in my head, and almost instantaneously will have a gut reaction as to whether or not I'll be able to eat it. The other day for example, I ran through a lot of options, leftovers from Thanksgiving (stomach turn), spaghetti (stomach turn), leftover Chinese (huge stomach turn) and I realized there were no options that I wanted in my house. So I decided not to eat dinner at all, re-set my insulin pump so I didn't die overnight, and went to bed. I am ok with this whole thing. I like to think of it as my body suddenly realizing what is good for it and making sure that I comply. My parents, particularly my mother, have an issue with it. I think she is in fear of me developing an eating disorder, because of the nameless sibling having an eating disorder for so long and my mother knowing nothing about it. But she doesn't understand that I don't have a choice...it is extremely difficult to force feed oneself when you're nauseous....almost impossible for me actually. When I am hungry, I do eat. But when I'm not, I can't. For now, I'm just trying to secretly enjoy the svelte-ing process, and ignore my crazed mother.

my Thanksgiving feast with Stephen Hawking

I feel that perhaps the title of this post warrants explanation. I'll go back to yesterday. I returned home from work at approximately 2pm in the afternoon, after having spent the workday bored, because the little work I did on RACEs was done too fast. So I get home, and drop my things, and EA is on her computer doing something, so I don't interrupt her. Then Dad comes downstairs and inquires whether EA has written to tell me what happened at the Drs. She had not. So he explained. EA has polyps on her vocal chords, and in order for them to go away, she is on prednisone for 10 days, and must not use her vocal chords for 6 weeks, except in extreme times of need. When she has to work for ReachOut upon her return to P-Dam she will have to speak, because it is part of her job, but absolutely no singing, and as little noise made as possible. So I'm pretty good at interpreting what she is attempting to say through hand motions and lip reading. Because I'm baller. 

Fast forward to today, Thanksgiving dinner. Kat and Chris are here (Chris is TERRIBLE at reading lips) and mom's classmate Martin never shows up for dinner, so we start without him and are eating and it just isn't the same as normally, no Abs and a silent (and therefore significantly less witty) EA. After dinner and after K&C leave (taking their gassy dogs but NOT removing the obnoxious floozy chicken that Vivienne has become OBSESSED with) EA decides to use her computer to speak for her, because she can type it out and have the sound bite play it faster than having us guess what she is saying. But, the sound bite happens to sound like a quadriplegic person who types to talk....like Stephen Hawking. The voice makes her snarky comments about a million times more hilarious. George and I have been cracking up. 

We also caught up with Abs a bit, and GFred called, so that was nice to chat with him. I didn't eat that much at dinner, I tried not to take a lot because I knew I wouldn't be able to eat a lot, and even what was on my plate did not get finished. Later my thin sliver of pumpkin pie was quite filling, and I didn't eat a good portion of the pie crust. I do drink a lot of water and diet raspberry ginger ale though. And this morning, fully clothed, I weighed 131.9. After all the food, 133 even. yuck. My mother of course thinks I'm developing an issue but she doesn't seem to understand that 1- I am nauseous all the time....I can't help it. I'm lucky if I get ten bites of food in before the nausea becomes unbearable. 2- just because I like the fact that I'm losing weight does NOT mean I'm anorexic voluntarily...I just don't see the nausea as a problem really. IDK I think it is fine. And now I'm going to sign off because I'm tired.

I'm thankful for my soon-to-be-in-place job with benefits, my family and friends, and my health being much better than many lupus kids and diabetics. So thanks for that universe. 

fuck city

Spent last night in Fuck City. Literally. That is the name of Al's house where he and several other PC grads reside above a veterinarian's office. It is pretty cool. And the entryway is Connery's Quarters, dedicated to my favorite Scotsman. I slept in the living room under a mickey mouse comforter, with Mark Twain watching over me whilst I slumbered. It is a pretty sweet setup actually I really like all the little personal touches there. And seeing Al and Cole made me so happy. It was spectacular to catch up, to hear all about Al's experiences in India (and e coli who knew??) and just hearing about life. And hearing about Cole and his drag show Halloween (Alvaro as Balloon Boy??) and it was just great. Had some unfortunate low blood sugar problems, compounded by nausea problems (I have to force myself to eat lately. even when I'm hungry, and I know I'm hungry, I have to force feed myself because I just have overwhelming nausea.) So that was tricky. Then did an interview with Genesis for her senior project about women and autoimmune diseases. Then I saw Denny and dropped off some cookies for him and chatted for a bit. J-2-1 got a makeover, with paint and a break room with a sweet couch! WTF how come that never happened when WE were there??? Apparently Angela's feminine touch includes sweet accoutrements that we never got. But it was good to visit campus briefly. I even went to Starbucks (since I looked/felt like the wrath of God this morning, probably due to the low blood sugars messing up my sleep) and got a caffeine kick. Despite my exhaustion and nausea, it was a nice visit with people I love. and now I am home resting, after force feeding dinner, just relaxing. Soon I'll take my night time pain meds for my back (since I forgot to take it this morning) and hit the hay. But I felt the need to post about getting to see (part of) my Tron fam. :-)

aww butterflies are pretty....wait wtf?

See those butterfly wings of redness on my cheeks, that sort of meet in the middle over my nose? Ah yes, gotta love that lupus malar rash. AKA the butterfly rash. So, whilst in the wild, a butterfly is beautiful, graceful, and a sign of hope, on my face it means BOOO. Of course it doesn't help that I sort of look like death. I stayed home due to a horrible migraine, and body pain equivalent to being beaten with a baseball bat. I specifically use baseball bat, because I had a dream about playing baseball. Only, it wasn't normal baseball, it was pirate baseball. And it wasn't like the baseball scene in Hook. It was on a pirate ship. It was hard to determine where the bases were on the main deck. But there was some sort of otherworldly implication to this game. Like, we had to win, otherwise all these lost pirate souls would come up from davy jones locker and overcome our beautiful gold pirate ship (now, one would suppose that a gold ship would sink, but then again, it was a magic ship, and moreover, it was a DREAM). And I was up to bat. Everyone else on the team had been taken hostage. I had to win. And the whole time I'm thinking but I can't run fast, so unless I hit a home run off the end of the ship, I won't be able to run fast enough to score. More strange was that there wasn't anyone in the outfield, because there wasn't really an outfield. So who was going to catch it for an out anyway? I have no idea. I just know that suddenly, the ball came flying to me, and I hit it hard, and whoosh off it went into the ocean, and I ran (and I was ABLE to run somehow) and we won. My scraggly pirate crew and I were SAVED from the souls threatening our ship. And after that I ate rainbow tarts. Don't ask me what the heck a rainbow tart is, I don't know. But it was delicious. Then I recall a different dream in which I was babysitting a little asian baby....and later we (I don't know who all the people in the dreams were) were sitting on a couch talking, and I took a picture of us on my phone, and noticed several ghosts in the picture with us. WEIRDED OUT. All these dreams seem to have some weird magical element. Except for the last dream. That one was just my friends in my house, and Adrian was sleeping on a pile of clothes that I had to put away, and when I pulled the clothes out from under him he got really really mad, and tried to trip me as I walked away. that was just nonsense. 

Other things going on in real life are that I've been working on the play, getting aggravated with my stupid co-cast member. He is 32 but acts much younger. Very immature. And that bugs the hell out of me. We are here to do a show, we have only 13 days till we open, and he's being an ass. Trying to throw in things that we've never done before, without ASKING first, just trying to be funny, and I hate that. Improv has its own place in the theatre world, but we are NOT doing improv. We are in a scripted, well-written play, so just stick to what we have done and rehearsed. It is like that time Dave Mellisy decided that as Albert (in Bye Bye Birdie) he would KISS me, Rosie. Now, had we rehearsed that and had the director wanted to put that in at the end, that would be fine (though I would have still been ooged out because I think Dave is icky), but the fact of the matter is, Dave just threw it in during the final number, during an actual show. He was lucky I didn't just punch him. He was lucky that I'm a good enough actress to stay in character and just laugh and be happy (though I did NOT kiss back, I just broke it off and laughed and continued the dance number). ugh. Look people, the director does things the way he wants them done. The writer writes in what he wants to. Don't add shit in. Grumble. Sometimes I don't think I should do theater since some stupid people stress me out, and I don't need that. Oh well.

An actual fun moment from the week was when some co-worker assumed that I have a boyfriend, and I just started laughing. And then he is like "why is that funny?" I just said, "no I'm sorry it isn't funny funny, it is just sort of a funny concept to me." and he said "why?" and I said "I suppose since it has been like 3 years since I have dated anyone even remotely seriously, and prior to that single incident, probably about 5 years" So, other than a 3 month stint (in which I was very much in love) a total of about 8 years of solitude. I was very glad for that 3 months of in-love-ness. Mutual in love-ness I should say. because there was another time when I was in love with someone, and thought it was mutual, but it was just me imagining it. proven by the fact that we never actually dated. which makes me sound like a nutcase stalking some guy, but really there was a sort of physical leading on aspect from his end, which make me think there was something there, but no. damnable men. When I told my dad about this moment, I said, "I guess it is sort of sad that I laughed at that", still laughing. And my father said, "actually, that IS sort of sad". At which point I stopped laughing. I felt like I was being reprimanded for thinking that it was funny. At what point I gave up, I don't really know. I know I am still a romantic at heart....I still think the idea of love is very pretty. I just don't think that I think that the idea will ever be real for me. Anymore.

Of course I dream of playing baseball on a golden pirate ship. 

I feel like Garfield

It isn't that I hate Mondays. Not at all. Mondays are the days at work when I have the most real work to do, and thus feel somewhat useful and productive. I like that. And Mondays, House is on. Ain't nothin wrong with that. It is just Monday Mornings and I that do not get along. Perhaps because for two days I've been allowed to hear my alarm and instead of hitting snooze, hit DISMISS and snuggle back down into my 8 million pillows and blankets with my pup, and the two of us can sleep till like 9. But then comes Monday Morning, at 4:10, and we must take our meds, and then hit snooze. Then, ten minutes later, we hit snooze again. Then, after the third SNOOZE, we realize, no we are NOT going to get up during the 4th hour, and just re-set the alarm for 5:30. Then 5:30 does come along, and the battle with myself to sit up and rub at my gunky eyes and stretch even though stretching induces yawning, which is terribly painful, and to put on some wooly socks and my fuzzy bathrobe. So that the pup and I can venture down the stairs (hopefully not to be tripped by that ratty cat) and out into the backyard so the pup can do what she needs to do. And while she wanders through the dewy grass, I clomp around in the big LLBean boots and urge her to go faster, especially if the Monday is wet, cold, or in the summer- very mosquito-ey. Sometimes she listens, other days, not a chance. All the while, I am trying to convince my eyelids to stay open. C'mon, can't fall asleep standing up goofball. 

It is a rough start to a week, to be sure.

"Why isn't the air on? It's like the fires of hell in here!"

Last night had a ton of fun going first to Harrison to meet up with MAlas, then we took the train to the city to have a last bar night with JB, Les, Denny, Paul, Suki, Cole, Jay Minh Alt, Juanly and other pc folk. It was just a great evening with great people. And I always find it hysterical to see former authoritative figures get even the slightest bit drunk. An Alt inspirational moment is ten times funnier when he is leaning on you for support and slurring his speech. Slightly awkward to see some former faculty members whom you may or may not have gone on a date with, only to have the entire encounter end badly after he was a bit over the top. Yea, he was there. And kept asking if we were cool. It was over a year ago. And then, when he was leaving (much earlier than everyone else) he was like "walk me out" and I said "but I'm in the middle of a beer" so he randomly grabs someone to hold my drink and pulls me outside. To ask me what happened back then, what went wrong. If he weirded me out. (which he kind of did, because he he kept making future plans, like "as soon as you graduate I'm going to take you out to dinner" and "I can't wait till you graduate so I can meet your parents" etc)so yea that was just weird. I mean, I apologized for acting like a dink, but he kept telling me it was fine, we were cool, it was just like hmmm. Maybe the karma for me being so rude to him and blowing him off last year was that I then had to have this awkward encounter. Then he left and I went back in and finished my beer, and it was good. Of course, then later when we had to get back to the train station to catch the last train back up to Harrison, MAlas runs off, and Cole tried to get him back, and he just kept saying "no Meagan has my keys she can go home and get in I have to go I have to walk". So then he ended up on the same train as the rest of us and gets back to Harrison....and we go back to his place by like 3am.  It was so great seeing everyone, and was a nice change from the usual hot messes. 

In other news, rehearsals are going well for the show, we had a long discussion on Thursday about characters and themes and such. We should have the final revision sometime this week. Hopefully. Though, Jim says that really, Peter has up until opening night to keep changing things. I hope this isn't true. I need to get on the memorization soon too. In my old age, I worry my memory might now be less than stellar (plus it has been revealed in medical studies that folks with SLE and Sjogren's may get a little foggy from time to time). I think it will be fun though. Joann is really sweet and eager to please as an actress, because this is her first show, so she wants to be perfect. Chris is just great, as usual. Mark will be really good, he seems to be really the perfect desk. And Geoff....well Geoff gets a bit distracted, and I can tell that is going to aggravate David, but hopefully he'll get focused soon. Hopefully. And I'm just going to do my thang. And keep my fingers crossed that I'll be good. 

Abs home tomorrow with G after their trip up to see EA. It will be nice to see her briefly. I have a shark-related comic to give her. :-)

rollercoaster....where the highs are high and the lows are death

Just when things are starting to look up, they come down again.

Let us see. I auditioned for a play: UP point

I saw my Dr. in Boston and she was going to decrease my steroids, and no more pesky blood pressures or lab works: UP point

I got to move my desk at work to avoid a coworker who is stressing me out and driving me nuts: UP point

It was SHARK WEEK!!!!: UP point

Last Monday am, I had a pretty bad low blood sugar: DOWN point

By Tuesday, I found out that I had landed the role in the play, for cash monies!!: UP point

Wednesday, I almost died. Literally. Went into hypoglycemic shock and couldn't be gotten out of it until an ambulance was called and EMTs saved me.: DOWN point

Thursday, saw another Dr, and determined that I needed a bone density scan, and labwork to figure out where my hormone levels are at, since it would seem I'm practically menopausal at the ripe old age of 24.: DOWN point

Whilst trying to slowly decrease steriods, noticed my wrists swelling and a distinct inability to use my hands properly.: DOWN point

This Monday, my Boston Dr calls and informs me that the bloodwork indicates that I am on the brink of a MAJOR flare. In the vein on preventative medicine, my cyclosporine AND steroids have been amped up. This also means back to the blood pressure and labworks every two weeks.: DOWN point.

BUT, things are on the turnaround, since we caught the pre-flare we can hopefully avoid it. Due to the low blood sugar, I finally got into the Joslin Clinic with new diabetes drs. AND this weekend SisterK, C and I are trekking up to Western NY to the Erie County Fair for fun times, cotton candy, and fun rides!!! And I'll get to see my poor godson who broke his leg and is in a hip-to-ankle cast and a wheelchair. So all of those things are good. And our first readthrough for the play is this week, I'm uber psyched. The character is supposed to be something like Lauren Bacall in To Have and To Have Not. This was her first film with Bogart, and the one that made him leave his (3rd??) wife to marry her. She was 19. It is astounding. I'm not sure I can necessarily pull it off, she's a pretty lush, sarcastic sensual type. I've never had to do that. But hopefully I can make it awesome. It is an original play by a local fellow, so the good news is that I get to CREATE another role, be the first to play her. Always fun. So like I said, perhaps despite the slight downturn, we can salvage this and bring life back up to GOOD rather than "close to death". 

Also, rumors of a TRON reunion floated around, but no one other than myself, KHawk and KCH seem to care. I suppose if I lived in NYC and had a job and a fantastically exciting life as most of the rest of the group do, I wouldn't care about reunioning either. Oh well. If people get in touch and respond I'm always down. 

six degrees of kevin bacon

Practicing my movie star looks for when I'm famous. And here is why. So last night, EA, dad and I are watching the Law & Order: SVU, and all of a sudden, we see this teenager who looks familiar. And EA says, "That looks like Josh Caras, doesn't it?" And I look for a second, and it DOES look like Josh Caras. For the record, Josh was a guy we used to do shows with back in the Ivoryton Playhouse back in the day. So EA grabs her laptop and imdb's it, and it WAS him! So then, the great part was that the guest star on the show was Aiden Quinn, so then, you know what we can do....We were in various shows with Josh Caras, Josh Caras was in SVU with Aiden Quinn, Aiden Quinn was in Legends of the Fall with Brad Pitt, and Brad Pitt was in Sleepers with Kevin Bacon!!! Yea four degrees from the McG clan to Kevin Bacon!!! In my mind, that makes us almost famous. Almost. 

fill my eyes.....with that double vision

So today was kind of nutty. Once again, the managers at my workplace have me convinced that I too could be a manager, if only I lacked communication skills and common sense. Drat that college degree I got, and all the experience Reslife gave me of talking to people. After a long day of trying to make sense of the nonsense that occurs at CSC, right before I was supposed to leave and drive home, it hits me. Double vision madness. I was legit seeing two of everything. So I know I can't drive home seeing double. That is just asking for trouble. Especially because when combined with my already fuzzy vision, it made two very fuzzy outlines of everything. FML I think to myself. So I go into Dad's office, and tell him I'm seeing double, and he says, "did you drink some water?" WHAT? Really? Water is going to cure my double vision? I'm not dehydrated....just can't see straight. So he tells me to sit at my desk doing nothing till it subsides, and then, and ONLY then, can I drive home. And if it comes back whilst I'm driving, I am to pull over and get him to come get me. Riiiiiight. So I wait it out like 10 minutes, and then go back in and lie about how it is all better, and then I leave. So the drive home was weird. I felt like I was perhaps on a bad acid trip. Not that I have ever done acid, but it reminded me of when I had tried smoking pot a few times, only a lot worse. Because I was a bit nauseous and headachey too. So I get home, change into lazy clothes, and grab my UBER soft p-dam sweatshirt blanket, and rest on the couch for a while.

So now my vision is back to normal, still have a headache, and am sort of wondering what the f that was about. It has happened before. This time was actually not as bad as the last time. This time the two instances of whatever object were at least touching. Last time they were like two, separate items. If I hadn't known there was only one, I would have thought it was just two things. I guess I should ask my eye doctor what is up with that. Mad trippy though.

Getting my hair done tomorrow, since I'm past the two month mark (I'm in my 4th month ooops) and my roots are like 3 inches, and the ends are all scraggly (not like split dead end scraggly, more like the layers are uneven and I can't make them look right, they just fall weird) and so I get it fixed tomorrow. The consensus amongst family and friends is I should go with dark blonde/light brown LOWLIGHTS, and then put the goldey highlights over that. Everyone seems to want a bit darker, warmer look on me. I'm down with that. It isn't time for my brown/red look of autumn yet, so this might be a good transition. I hope so. And the cut will just be a re-shaping trim, since I'm still trying to grow it out, because my hair works better long. It is funny to me that I'm really not all that different from Khawk, only when she does something new with her hair it is usually drastic, and the colors way more intense, and mine are usually more subtle and less risky. Of course she never looks bad, partially due to her extreme confidence, I know I could never pull off half the looks she does. But we both change our styles up a lot. Interesting.

Well, with that, I'm pretty much done. I'm tired. Just weary. So, I'm going to read more of The Princess Bride, and then bed. h'Adios.

pooped pup

That is one sleepy puppy. This was Vivienne after we took her on a ride to the farm stand to get some sweet corn, fresh tomatoes and cucumbers. I had to drive, because my dad had already started sipping a Shock Top (hold the orange wedge please, you don't fruit the beer) and so he agreed to go buy the summer produce if I drove. And I agreed if we could bring lil Lulah. (in case you are lost, her full name is Vivienne Tallulah, hence the lulah). So we went, she dug her little doggy nails into my dad's leg flesh (summer time shorts offer little protection against claws) and stuck her head out the window, taking in the sultry summer scents of cut grass and hot cow poo (we have a lot of farms around). I really do like summer time. Even if it was really hot and humid today (doesn't affect us if we get too hot we come into the air conditioning) because tonight we get ribs on the grill, corn and tomato and cucumbers, and we're having a nice outdoors fire. And the dogs can come out and sit while we eat and just enjoy the evening air (that is, if the tired pup wakes up lol). I really wish I had friends around. I miss my buddies. I really would LOVE to go camping or something....I was especially jealous of the montauck camping trip S, A & H took. Maybe someone will want to do something soon. I keep trying to get in touch with C and P, but no word back yet. Boo. Anyway, nice summer evenings like tonight make me forget the other crap in the world....like how I'm somewhere on the verge of getting full time regular status at CSC, how I have yet to take any GREs, how I'm not sure I will apply in the fall.....ugh. All that crap disappears after a nice dinner, and then sitting by the fire, watching the lightning bugs dance through the night air.....

alas and alack

I have no motivation to write today. I'll do a brief sum up of life: it blows. in debt, unhappy, lonely for lack of friends, and fat. There you go. And now, pics from the 4th.

it is always tragic when a monarch dies

The sad and untimely passing of MJ, the King of Pop, has struck me oddly hard. I think perhaps it was because of how many times I have danced to his music. Alyson always had some MJ routine, either Thriller, or Beat It, or when we did They Don't Care About Us, and I was so excited because I got to be in front right next to Miss Alyson for the big number! His choreography and attention to detail in his videos can't be matched. No one could move like he could. And I'm sure his personal life was weird but I don't care about that. One, because it isn't my dang business, and two because I think his amazing talent and power as a performer completely outweighs anything else about him in my eyes. We have this video that has some of his best music videos and performances, and the dancing is SO AMAZING! Nevermind Billie Jean and the moonwalk....that is just the tip of the iceberg. Smooth Criminal, Beat It, Thriller-just phenomenal. I feel like there is just going to be a huge void in terms of innovative artists like that. When we were watching the Scream video, with both he and Janet, I wondered, "Does Janet ever feel awful just knowing that even though she made a name for herself, she will NEVER be HALF of what Michael was?" I don't know. I guess this post is sort of pointless and weird, gushing over an artist whose songs changed America's pop culture....but gush I will. I hope his soul is at peace. Thank you, Michael Jackson.

you CAN teach an old dog new tricks

Just not all the time. Or when they get distracted in puppy class and refuse to look at you whilst you are saying "sit" or "down" or "blankie" or anything really. So all that progress you made during the week, during all of your practice sessions, may feel like it was for naught, but it was not for naught. I know tomorrow when we practice, and even if we add the new things in "stand", "stay", "blankie" that Vivi will in fact learn them and watch me and focus. She just can't handle the crowd in class. Much like I can't handle crowds in real life. I didn't get frustrated with her. I know she'll learn. And really, the point of the class is not for her to show off in front of them, it is for her to learn these things for us, for our lives, at home. So I'm ok with it. She did get into another little scuffle with Chachi the lhasa apso, getting all snarly and badass with him when he wanted to play. She's really a brat sometimes. But tomorrow things will be learned, and reinforced, and old things will be reviewed, and it will be good.

In other news, a coworker of mine had a tragedy occur. Her partner of 20 years had a heart attack and died. He was a good guy. They weren't married, but had been together that whole time, and were pretty much inseparable. The worst part is that she doesn't get bereavement time off for it. Because they weren't married, and CT doesn't recognize common law marriage, so the company doesn't have to give her the time. She already used almost all of her sick and vacation time when she was actually sick after an emergency surgery. So now she is basically SOL. I'm going to bake some cookies tomorrow evening and bring them in for one of my other coworkers to bring to her (she is staying at her sisters, which is near where my other coworker lives) because first of all, she is skinnier than a rail to begin with, and I think cookies will help. Plus they are a comfort food. And even if she doesn't eat any, all the people staying at the house and coming around to check on her can have some. I just feel awful for her. Very sad. I keep praying for his soul, and for her and the family members. Even though I don't pray to "god" per se, I figure it can't hurt.

I had a rough weekend. A freakish, scarily low low blood sugar that wound up strangely like Steel Magnolias, where Shelby (Julia Roberts) has her diabetic shock and starts hitting M'lynn (Sally Field) and yelling at her. That would be ME as Shelby, and my poor dad as M'lynn. I was rather hostile and angry, and of course had no idea what I was talking about. Crazy. So that was pretty scary. Then Sunday, I had the flu. Not the swine flu, but the puking up your guts with a HORRIBLE headache. The only good thing to come of that (aside from the realization that stomach bile comes in a really intense shade of green) was that my appetite has calmed down considerably. I'm also on less steroids, but this last bump of intense nausea for two days really really helped me not want to eat all the time. Now, if only I can get back to the gym (patience, grasshopper). 

On the docket for the week: father's day shopping, baking for my coworker, perhaps a new toenail color? I'm just not sure yet. For now, a small snack perhaps and then bed. 

spellcheck pls- and other irritated ramblings

Ok ok, I know I used to be the spelling and grammar nazi, and that it was uber annoying and made everyone want to kill me, and so I gave up my crusade, but sometimes things really bug me when they are spelled incorrectly. Like it makes me want to jump through the computer screen to where the person is, and shake them, whilst crying "damnit you JUST graduated from college, WHY CAN'T YOU SPELL?!?!?" I know my spelling isn't always perfect. I have certain words that present a distinct challenge. Definitely is my worst word ever. But, they do in fact make spell check just for that very purpose. For the words that ALWAYS defy you. Even blogger here has it. So really, kids? Really? 

Of course, part of the reason it bothers me is that it is people who have been annoying to me lately. Not that they've done anything in particular to deserve my being annoyed at them, but I am. Actually, I could be annoyed at their drunken behavior, but it has been a whole week since that and so I can't still be mad that they kept pushing at my head, a la those "could have had a V8" commercials, and then attempted to body shove me off the curb at 4am. I can't still be irked by that. Though everyone knows I hold grudges longer than mormons hold on to their morals, so perhaps no one would be surprised by my snarky attitude towards them. I'm probably just jealous of the person's great life and great job and happiness and all that. I just manifest it in a bitchier way. I think once I feel like my life doesn't completely blow, I will feel better.

On that note, starting a bit more serious diet regimen. Just healthier really. Gotta get my cholesterol down, and the refined carb thing needs to go. Veggies*, fruits and some meats. But mostly other proteins like beans and nuts. And eggs occasionally. I can't stand the sight of myself, and even though my meds are being adjusted, I can't blame the meds for it all. It was my BAD eating habits. Like all those baked goods. Deliciously deadly. And hopefully I'll feel good enough to hit the gym again soon (oh and the fact that I owe them money and have to wait till I get paid to go back- blast this constant state of poverty!) but until then just taking it slow on the treadmill at home. And by slow I mean walking. For like 10 minutes at a time, since that seems to be all I can take. I know, I'm a wussbunny. But I try a bit at least. So we'll see how that goes. As of this morning, I am at a whopping 153 pounds. Not only is it above what I am supposed to be according to the BMI chart, but it is really bad for my bones because I actually have rather petite bones & bone structure. So it is too much weight on a weak frame. Like, trying to hang a Persian carpet to dry on one of those teeny bamboo drying racks you have in college to try and save money by air drying your clothes. Poor little frame doesn't stand a chance under all that weight. So that is my thing. I have to lose at least 20 pounds, though I wouldn't mind losing more (it always irritates me that my ratty mother only weighs like 115 or 120). So, goal = 20+ pounds. We'll see. 

*- I consider rice and potatoes to be veggies. I think they are healthy carbs. Or so I keep telling myself. :)

I love my friends

family bonding- beer pong

And there you have it. Memorial Day we had a nice little family lunch in the back yard, with our dogs all having fun, and all of a sudden, George decides she wants to learn to play Beer Pong. Mind you, in a month, George will be 54. FIFTY-FOUR! But she wanted to learn to play. So we obliged. Even EA, who generally disdains and scorns anything having to do with George. Of course, EA had already been drinking some, and continued to do so through the game, so perhaps that was her sneaky way of it being OK. As you can see, EA and Slim were on a team and George and Christopher. Later I played with EA against SisterK and Christopher, but I wasn't very good. It was interesting to say the least. My father sort of just watched in disbelief. Drinking games with one's mother. Hum.

In other news, getting new glasses, as my vision has changed again. Will post pictures when the new spectacles arrive. Had to get a wider set of frames to accommodate my giant head (stupid steroids) but they're cool. It is funny that NOW my reading vision is fine, but my distance (ie driving, movie viewing, trying to read the clock) is awful. Lovely. This time we went with brown, but still Nine West. Expensive buggers (especially since stupid Aetna doesn't cover it). 

Also, began dog obedience training with Viv. Disastrous thus far. She is afraid of the clicker and training in general- continuously runs away from me and acts as though I'm trying to "get" her. Ratty dog. And, being that I am the LEAST patient person in the world, I'm already getting frustrated with her. But trying not to. Really. We'll see how it goes.

gray gray go away

It is incredibly dark outside right now. Like mad cloudy yo. I'm trying not to let it drag me down....aka trying to not be completely unmotivated to do anything, including running to the store for tp and butter (two things we are out of that are kind of crucial. yes it may be gross that we love butter, but whatevs. loves it we do, and we're out). If I obtain said things, then I can return home and make breakfast. Which is less fun nowadays since I'm the only normal carb eater around. Mom and EA only eat GF, and dad doesn't eat pancakes or french toast and whatnot, trying to be all healthy like. BOO. So if I make breakfast, it is just for me, and then I feel like a cow. Which, in all honesty, I am right now. But I finally got to lower my steroids a bit so hopefully that will be changing soon. A little less puff, please.

In other news, got a pedicure from a nice little fellow yesterday....Kat wanted to get a manicure and I figured since I haven't been able to really reach my feet to do a good pedi, I could let some stranger do it, do a nice job, massage my feet for a while, and in return I would tip him very very well (like too well, good thing my math skills suck I just made that guys day). It was nice, and now my toes are adorned with a fun bright shade of summer pink, and my heels aren't covered in dead gross skin. It is amazing how much they exfoliate you in these places.  And how much comes off, ick. I shouldn't spend money on such things, but having well taken care of feet is actually one of the things diabetics are supposed to do, so I consider my once every million years pedicure that I let myself get to be a medical thing.

Also, I had the stellar idea of the TRON family taking a trip in an RV....which sparked the conversation that S actually HAS an RV (though the bathroom is broken, perhaps we can get it fixed for cheaply....since knowing me and our group, it would probably be best to have a working bathroom) though I don't even know if her parents would be even remotely ok with us taking it. Nor do I know how large it is, and there are like 7-8 of us at any given time. Good thing we all love bunking up? Well, it is just a thought. I really had this vision of a great cross country (perhaps not the whole country in one sitting. That is a lot of miles and a lot of hours with the same people in one tiny space) trip with us chillin out, and we could find campgrounds and make s'mores and stuff at nights, and basically everyone could drink to their heart's content except whoever had to drive the next day, and it would be great. We'd see things we haven't seen yet, and we would totally TRONonize the whole thing. Plus frankly, I miss spending time with these people as a group. And if we had an rv, the whole notion of everyone getting up mad late the next day wouldn't even apply. Only the driver and navigator would have to wake up and everyone else could just sleep in the back until they felt like getting up. Ugh it would be perfect for us. Anyway, I know it is a long shot, everyone is busy, poor, etc, but I still thing it would be awesome. 

That is pretty much my round up. For the memorial day holiday, having a basket lunch at Harkness Park, we'll have to go early and stake a spot (near trees and a griller) and then we can play with the dogs all day and then have food and fun and (not for me) sun. And perhaps a walk on the beach, or through the lovely mansion gardens. I'm pumped. I think the count is me, Kat, Chris, Beth and maybe Wills, then the parents if they so choose to come. Our parents that is. Not the boys'. Should be nice. 

commencing to....?

So Friday I went over to Purchase to witness the remaining children of the TRON clan graduate. I was shocked to have the benefit of seeing Stevie walk as well, and was most upset that I hadn't known he was going to, so didn't have a gift for him. So his will be sent via post. But KHawk, Al and A I had their little commencement presents and it was wonderful to see them. Of course I, being the Momma Meg that I am, just starting crying. Didn't get all crazy though because 1-no need for drama, and 2-I don't actually produce a large amount of tears unless under extreme duress. I also got to see JoseMiguel who was there to see his bf graduate, and a few professors. It was rather nice on the whole. I miss them. I was informed that Cole and Phil live in Brooklyn, about 4 blocks from A and S, and then Stevie is like 10 minutes away. So I guess it is true about everyone living there. Almost. KHawk will be on campus for summer, and Al home in Queens, so I am hoping we can all get together soon and have a real family type dealy.

Then I returned home, and had a McG girl night with my sisters. At C & K's. It was very amusing. A bunch of folks, good drinks, good times. Then Saturday lazed around feeling poorly (not hungover mind you, but might as well have been, since I stayed over and missed two med doses I just was icky. boo) then later took Viv's to the park with cousin Levi, then went over to help with the cupcakes for sisterK's wedding tea for her friend today. They came out ok. Then today, Pablo, EA and Ab's drove down to DC to bring Ab's back to her new residence, and EA will stay down there for a bit. So since I'm home alone con los perritos, I did a shit ton of laundry (still going), did dishes (have another load to toss in), and baked banana bread with some bananas that weren't long for this world (came out rather tasty). So now to finish the chore stuff, and make dinner, and find a good film to watch. 

Have been feeling pretty good lately, hopefully can cut the steroid dose down, since the weight issue is annoying. The face and tummy fat needs to go. I'll probably get to the gym this week, hopefully, but it will be better if the steroids are down. Not 100% yet, but I will be soon. And then, back to life with a renewed sense of vigor. Or something like that. Still waiting to hear back about job interviews, and working on the grad school list. Whittling down the 15 to how many I want to visit. 

That's all, folks.

aaaaaalpaca!

So Mom and I trekked up to the Adirondacks to visit my Uncle A, Aunt J and the twins Z&T. The girls will be 3 June 10th, so they are in the worst part of toddler-dom, and of course tantrums are rampant. But it was pretty good, even little T, who is the screamer, is getting better. J is trying the "no whining" rule, and prompts them to ask for help with what it is they need. They are doing pretty well. And Z, for the most part, isn't all that high maintenance. They just both want their mom at the same time. Like all kids that aren't only children. We went on many adventures. We went to visit alpacas (the girls put a lot of emphasis on the AL part), we saw some deer and ibex, we went out for really good mexican food, and we had a campfire. And searched for raccoons. I got to relax a bit in that fresh mountain air, got compared to FDR, and my feet are finally almost normal again. I actually felt really good. I'm hoping the good breathing keeps up with the new meds and that I can feel up to par soon. I need to go back to the gym. It might be hard, and I know I won't be motivated, but I have to be. The steroid weight gain does not need to be as bad as it is. I could put in much more effort. Anyway....I'm beat from a weekend in the mountains, and not too inspired to write a lot, but pictures I can give ya. enjoy!

Easter pics finally

So those are some of our Easter memories. It was a really really nice day having brunch and dinner with Kat, Chris and his bro Will. It was sad that our twinsies weren't there but it was still great. I was in charge of dinner and all the tastiness, and it just turned out well. In other news, been in and out of hospitals trying to get my stupid body stable....and it is just turning into the impossible task. See the other blog for more information on that. I'm a bit concerned about being healthy for all the stuff I need to do. I know that the PC commencement is around the corner, and I will not miss seeing the rest of my kids graduate. I can't wait to see them all again. From the looks of things, Culture Shock was as nutty and awesome as usual.  I miss them all a lot. I wonder if their end of senior year is like mine was....last spring was so amazing. It was the birth of the TRON family and the time when we all became real family. That and of course the summer. In any case, I am determined to be healthy to see them commence into life. Can't wait. And hopefully we'll all be there together to see the remaining kids graduate. I hope so. I need my friends. 

Other tricksy things....I guess the divorce is under way, which is causing all sorts of family drama. Basically things are all sorts of tense, and despite the fact that this is supposedly an "amicable" divorce, things come up that indicated there really is no such thing. My dad is a lot more angry and bitter than I realized, but then again, I understand his point of view sort of. Like a couple weeks ago, a bunch of their mutual friends (like the long standing best friends) were going to go see a band they like play at this happy hour where they have food and dancing and all of that. Mom had gone with the group like a month ago when dad was out of town, and had a great time, and thought they should go. Well, dad had a good point about it. He was like "ok so you're divorcing me, but you want me to come out to a bar with all of our friends, buy you food and drinks, and then what? I don't want to dance with you because frankly, you're divorcing me. and if I don't dance with you, I'm going to look like a schmuck in front of everyone, as if they don't all know anyway. so what is the point? we're just going to play the faking game?" and I guess I would feel like that too. They don't communicate well anyway (half of why this is happening) and now it is even worse, because mom seems to think that everything is just going to go all hunky dory fine, that we'll still be a family and that they will still be able to hang out when in their groups of friends, and I just don't think dad thinks like that at all. Plus the drama it is causing with the kids is insane. Kat and I are doing ok. Me, I'm in therapy, and am trying to learn how to be a self-sufficient adult, given that I am in fact 24 and it is about darn time. Kat is starting her own family, she has a serious bf, an apt with him, and they have a dog. All they need is a ring and a kid to complete their family life. So she has less need of a family unit in that way. But the twins? They aren't even 20 yet. Not that they aren't adults, but frankly they are still at an age where they feel they need a stable supportive family, with parents who actually parent them, and that are in one place. And now that is being broken up and it isn't fair to them, but the way it is being handled is a mess. B it just a disaster. Especially towards mom. She treats her horribly. Like worse than dogshit on her shoe. Or just flat out ignores her. and basically mom said if she continues to act like that, she can't live here this summer. A is living in DC and probably never coming home, avoiding the whole situation like the plague. But at least she fakes treating mom with some semblance of respect and kindness. B not even close. It is stressing me out. I'm trying not to let it get to me, because it doesn't help with the physical health bs, but it is a little hard. Perhaps a bit much for my plate right now. My therapist thinks I should ask about getting adovan for when I'm under periods of high stress, so that I can calm down enough that it won't affect my diseases. Who knows. Maybe I just need to go live in a beach house in Maine and watch the waves crash for a while. I keep having dreams of Maine. I think we need to go back asap. 

Anyway, this was a ton of info. I think I'm done blogging for like a week. Now, since I'm home from work because of my stupid piece of crap body, going to rest . I hope. 

So the week has been a big old mess in terms of lupus nonsense. For the long and short, went to the ER, have to be on narcotics, and next week's plans include finding a pain specialist to try and help me stay more stable.

In other news, tomorrow is EASTER!!!!! I love Easter. I love love love dressing up. And this year's dress is PERFECT! I got it from JCrew (just like Mrs. Obama!!!) and it is adorable. Pink and sweet. Pictures tomorrow. We're going to Church, then Polish food brunch, then later big family dinner. I'm really looking forward to it. My menu includes a glazed ham (yes the kind with cherries and pineapples), twice baked potatoes, my grandmother's famous and wonderful rolls, asparagus with neufatchel cheese and prosciutto, Amy's salad and then for dessert, rice krispies treat eggs decorated to look all Easter-ey. I'm really pumped.

Let us see, what else. In the middle of plans with some certain gals for next weekend. We'll see how that gets going. If I'm able to. I hope so.

That is about it.

nobody knows the troubles I've seen...

getting mad discouraged with the health stuff. If you want to read about that, go to healthysickchick.blogspot.com and see that. basically my liver is a mess, we haven't found the precise cause yet (and thus, can not take real action to repair it- other than removing some things that are known to aggravate livers), and some adjustments have been causing massive pain and depression. Also, being lactose free AND gluten free is taking a toll, since I can't have comfort food. fml. 

Bethey was home this week, really good to spend time with her and see her. And because she was here, sometimes I got to chat with Abster because she was chatting with her.

Kat and Chris are closing on an apt. in Quaker Hill (right by MY vulture flock) that they get the top two floors of this big old house, so that will be nice for them and the pup. The pup, who once again demonstrated that he can not for the life of him watch where he is going when he runs, nearly taking out some strangers at the park today.

Other than that, things are low key. Going to the organic store in OS later to find some lactose free gluten free foods that don't taste like garbage to cheer me up a bit. After a nap though. My body is exhausted. 

Also, a recent hike in my steroids is probably going to give me a giant moon-face, so I'll be not taking photos much, but at easter we always do, so if you see them, try not to be freaked out. I'm going to have to keep going to the gym to try and balance it out, but there is no way to avoid prednisone moon-face. I'm sorry if I start to look like the girl who ate meagan again. 

I'm very proud of A for being a finalist for senior speaker. that is really quite an accomplishment for him. 3 cheers friend.

guts indeed!

So I've been planning to purchase one of Sable's shirts for a while now...but hadn't figured out which one, which one. But now, I think I know. Due to recent drama in the digestive department, I think the guts one is perfect. Plus, that way, I can illustrate to people where my issues are, on the outside, without having to use the interwebs to pull up a pic of the human digestive system. I think I like the gray version best. So, next paycheck (ie next Friday) I will be placing my order.

I spent a good deal of today being sore, and worrying. I went to the new GI dr. Thus far, changes we have implemented include:

-a new heartburn medication

-NO DAIRY

-an upcoming upper endoscopy with celiac-identifying biopsy

-less fats

-lean proteins (supposedly easy to digest)

And of course the same no gluten thing. No dairy is mad hard yo. For several reasons. One, I LOVE creamy things. Two, it is actually in a lot. I had to buy semisweet bakers chocolate to have chocolate sans dairy. That combined with the GF nonsense is making me think I might be losing weight soon, because I'm too lazy to make the effort to find gluten free dairy free food options, so instead I just won't eat at all.

We also did blood work, and found some elevated liver enzymes. Perhaps because of methotrexate. But also perhaps I have hepatitis. So, the GI lady informed the Lupus Lady, and the GI lady is insisting on doing an abdominal ultrasound to check out my livah, and also wants to check for hep. I don't have hepatitis. I know this because I've never had crazy ass orgy sex, I've never shared crazy needles (or even the sane kinds) and there is no possible way I could have gotten hep. There IS autoimmune hepatitis, where your immune system attacks your livah, but that wouldn't be fair. I already have 4 diseases. It wouldn't be right to make it 5. Right? Right?

In other less medical news, EA returns this evening for her springy break, right after the start of SPRING!!!! (that was today. btw) I cleaned the gal's powder room so she wouldn't flip a table at me for the disaster it was. I even bleached. And naturally, got some in my eye. Sometimes I'm special. In a few moments, I will take my puppies up the stairs to sit in my room whilst I clean that, so that she doesn't get mad that the whole day she and Abs spent cleaning the room for my birthday wasn't a complete and total waste. Mostly it is a clothing issue. Not like the bottles and junk last time. Her and Pablo didn't leave the 'dam till like 2ish, so probably not home till late in the evening. Sent my lovely bestest some flowers this week to cheer her, and we are on the docket to chat this weekend...I'm glad.

Random moment of the day: Jackie Rollins texting to ask me if I use an insulin pump, and upon my saying yes, her asking what kind, because she now works at Minimed (yes I use that kind) and is going to be a customer service rep, and wanted to know if I would be a potential caller and how during her training she kept thinking of me. Though it was completely out of left field, it was nice of her to think of me. I don't usually call customer service, but if I do, I'll ask for Dirty Rollins and see what happens ;)

Ok so as of tonight when I get home from work, things on the blog will change. I want to share more about life as a young 20-something with several autoimmune, chronic conditions. I'll include all my crazy dieting and exercise stuff, as well as the regular life stuff that can add to stress (which totally f's with the diseases) but I'll also have links and stuff I've found helpful. I think it is my meager way of giving back, and will help me connect with folks in my sitch. And maybe the occasional TRON post will pop up too.

UPDATE: OK SO I'M KEEPING THIS BLOG THE SAME, AND HAVE A NEW ONE FOR THE HEALTH STUFF: http://healthysickchick.blogspot.com

hummmmm

Let us see.

Friday my father left for his Florida for 10days trip to visit his step-brother and step-sister (who we of course have always been close with and don't really get the step part). That leaves me at home with george for that period of time. He'll return March 8th late in the evening, and then the following Monday, March 16th, she will leave to go out to Utah to see his brother and wife (george is very close with aunt mandy- some sort of bond over marry stupid McG men). I won't mind spending 9 G-free days with dad, but this first thing is a bit rougher. G and I have issues with each other. We may have started out well- Friday we saw The Reader but she was sitting with her friends, and SisterK and I sat together. I basically just drove there with G. (This was Friday, after I had taken viv to the puppy park and met the CUTEST guy named Kit with the MOST ADORABLE coonhound puppy named Lola! that was nice).

Yesterday, We ran errands, having to get to sisterK's place to pick up her laptop and binder for something, then we stopped at Target to get some stuff, then returned here so G and K could have their meeting with the guy who is designing the website for their group. Ch came over and since we weren't invited to the meeting, he and I watched Animal Planet, Weird, True and Freaky. First the one on Swarms, and then one on Humanimals, weird ass people that do crazy animalistic things, or body modification to look like animals. Crazy stuff. After than, took a nap whilst G spoke on the phone to GFred, then we went out to rent movies and get stuff for dinner. We watched The Duchess (good, though sort of sad) and then Burn After Reading, which we didn't find amusing at all. Not.at.all. It is just weird. Anyway, today we're going to try Wall-E and then she has Nights in Rodanthe which I don't want to see. I'm tired of watching old people falling in love movies. I'm not old yet, so I don't see why I ought to find them charming and sweet and nice. I'm young, and not having found love, I don't want to watch it. Darnit.

Other than that, what has life been about? Not a lot. Basically just skipped the gym this week. Mostly because I had the flu last weekend and felt like I didn't want to go. Lent began, so I gave up half&half or cream in my coffee, only allowing myself 1%, or perhaps soymilk in the drink. Thusly, I have been hardcore avoiding coffee because I don't like how it tastes without my thick creamy goodness. I also gave up soda, but since I have digestive issues and can't seem to burp on my own, I have to drink seltzer instead. Right now I have a lot of pomegranate, but I'm looking for black cherry and some other nice flavs. This helps me burp just enough so that I don't explode from internal gas. I know that is gross, but it's the truth. Things at work are much the same, Blakeley still being a tool, though I told him that my dad was gone for a while, maybe we could like, hang out or something. I doubt it. But at least I threw it out there. 

So that is the update. Next weekend is Mike's viola recital, and KHawk's happy hour. I hope more of the fam comes this time. I kind of want to make Sneaky Pete Punch one because I LOVE the name and two I think it would be funny, and evidently you can't taste the alcohol in it, which is why it is called Sneaky Pete Punch, because you're drinking and enjoying it and then all of a sudden, WHAM!!! you get hit (punched even?) with the booze part. Sneaks up on you. Ha. I'll have to ask if anyone would be interested. Gotta love 1950's alcohol recipes.

With that, I'm going to have some of my bailey's ice cream that I never ate last night because I was tired and over full from my macaroni and brussels sprouts. ice cream for breakfast, I know, I make GREAT life choices.

Maybe they're Irish Step Dancing!

For one of the first times ever in the history of life, I drove home from Purchase with no bad feelings. I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry, I was just content (and a bit sleepy). I had a nice visit with no drama. Saw Jami's and Gilbert's senior project performance (amazing and wonderful). Went to dinner with Al, A, and KHawk for some barbeque, then we dropped her off to wait for C at Buffalo Wild Wings (Yea get in the car, we'll just pause and you can jump from the car, tuck and roll Kells) and then I went to the show, then returned to Al's for some relatively quiet conversation, till K and C returned. Then listened to the folks upstairs as they nearly fell through the ceiling. (what do you think they're doing up there to make all that noise? Maybe they're Irish Step Dancing! Wow, Meagan's been waiting her whole life to make that reference.) Listened to C's latest exploits (NFL players and Tad O'Had). Today, early tea and conversation with A and then brunch with Becks, absolutely wonderful to catch up with her. And as I said, I managed to drive home with not an ill will to be felt. I just felt relaxed. Guess I'm actually getting over myself. And my lousy issues. It was sad to not have the whole group there, but hopefully soon we'll all be together again. Maybe in March for M's recital and KHawk's happy hour and then Me Encanta Sangria. (and maybe Stevie's birthday??) Who knows. 

So that was the long and short of things. For a lonely heart's Valentine's day, it wasn't so bad. Plus before I went up, Christopher came over and brought mom and I some chocolates and flowers and cards. It was really really nice of him. SisterK better keep that one. 

So yes. Not the most thrilling entry ever, but I'm relaxed, so I don't care too much. 

weekend postulations

It seems to me that I often write on weekends. And this is for several reasons I suppose. One being that on weekdays I'm too lazy. I literally go to work, go to the gym, watch tv and eat supper, and then usually crash to bed around 9something (yes I am an old woman). The second I guess would be that if I only do one entry a week, I have more to write, a whole week's buildup of weird or funny or sometimes boring-as-hell mundane bullshit. Frankly, this is really the only way I could do it, because not enough happens to me in one day to be worth writing. I'm pretty boring. 

This week consisted of gym time (and I'm going later today, between 3-4 to hopefully run into my lip pierced hs crush) a stressful work week, and blakeley not talking to me for the past 3 days. He is a tool. But I'm far too stubborn to break the silence. I absolutely refuse. This stems from being Irish and also just having to stand my ground in the family. Damnit, I will NOT give in. Last Saturday I got to see one of my dear TRON kids, Mike, playing viola for Ticket to Ride, a Moving Out sort of Beatles tribute with dance and a loose story line. It was WONDERFUL to see him. And since he won't be available when I go up for Valentine's day, it was good that I got to catch up with him then. Hear some pretty shocking news about other family members, though I've been told I shouldn't be shocked....that this person has been like this all along, and I just didn't get it. Which is true. I'm actually pretty worried. I still have this hope that he (not mike, the other person) will turn it around and stop being some egomaniacal asshole and realize that one- he isn't god and two- people aren't always criticizing him because they are jealous but more because perhaps they are concerned for his seemingly evil mortal soul. I still love him dearly, as I do all my family members, but I just worry. He can't really be that bad of a person, can he? And I know part of my denial is that I don't want to admit that I could have been so completely wrong about a person. Ugh. Oh well. Maybe he'll be better. Or at the very least, stop doing hurtful things to people that he is supposed to be friends with. I can hope. 

I am extremely excited to go for my visit. Planning a yummy dessert treat to bring up, even if we aren't having a dinner/formal thing. I just miss them. And it will be especially perfect if the city kids can all make it. It has been far too long since I've seen their faces. And being that I am friendless back here at home, it will be nice to feel like I have some again. And I'm psyched to see Jamison's show, it promises to be quite good....I'm sure it will be. 

Did some more research on William and Mary, finding out that Jon Stewart went there, as did Glenn Close, very interesting. I can't wait to go down there. I know I'm over thinking, since I haven't really begun the necessary processes to get in, but I really want to move to Virginia like now. Warm(er) weather, Colonial Williamsburg....how could I go wrong. So that is taking up some of my time...thinking about grad school.

Well I guess that is kind of it. Like I said, if I didn't save all the whole week up for one entry, things would just be two liners, like "hey I'm alive. today." So better to save it up and unload one larger entry, right? Of course right.

holy hour glass figure batman

Let us just take a moment and appreciate women from the 50's. Here we have Vera Ellen, star of many films, amazing dancer with incredible legs, and in later life, a fear of showing her neck (due to some irrational idea that her neck skin was gross or something). Look at that figure. Just look. I could starve myself for years, hit the gym every dang day, and I still wouldn't look like that (not withstanding the small fact that I am currently a redhead and not nearly as pretty as her anyway). Not even with that sweet corset. Though I might invest in one anyway. Nothing wrong with a little help sucking in the grossness. And those legs! Ugh. Meanwhile, here I am in some sweatpants and an old lady bathrobe. Contemplating hitting the gym for hours today. Good gravy am I a fatass or what?

In other news, I'm in a bit of a rut/weird dreams time right now. As usual, I'm dissatisfied with life in general. Mostly  sick of living at home with my parents. Mostly mom. Because she is a colossal bitch sometimes. Like last night, just acting like I am retarded about my own dog. I came home last night and she told me that viv hadn't been out in a while. ok. But she wasn't near the door, or whining to go so I said "I'll take her when she has to go". Then later as the dogs were pestering dad for food, she said it again. And then I said "she is completely mooching right now. she doesn't have to go. If she had to go she would let us know" and instead my jerk mother looks at me like I'm dumb, starts muttering under her breath about how I'm torturing my dog, and how she has to be the only sensible person in the house, and all this other crap, and puts her coat on and has to drag viv out the door, since she wasn't interested in going out at the moment, since all she wanted was some pot roast from my dad. So she drags her out, then when she comes back in glares at me and keeps muttering. So, despite the fact that it was 7:30 at night, I went to bed. I put on my headphones, locked my door, and went to sleep. Because I can't deal with her fucking bullshit. And my only options are go away, or go to sleep. So I just went to sleep. She does this all the time. Acting like I'm some sort of moron, or just a lazy slug who does nothing but mooch off of them. I know I'm lame still living at home and not having a real job and not having my own place and plan, but christ, does she really have to make me feel so worthless? 

Other than that, just plain bored. Work sucks. I don't have friends here. I'm counting down the days till my next Purchase visit so I can be around people who are my friends and get me and don't make me feel so lousy. And stupid blakeley was being jerky this week. I kind of think men suck. And usually, I have friends that are guys and its fine. But he can't even be my friend without wigging out about it and being stupid. He is so paranoid. He really thinks that anyone at work gives a crap about us hanging out. NO ONE CARES! EVERYONE IS TOO WRAPPED UP IN THEIR OWN LIVES TO CARE! But he doesn't get it. It seems like a lot of effort for friends. Maybe I'll just give it up altogether. Whatevs. Had a bunch of weird dreams about people from high school. Maybe because of last week's odd Dubliner experience where everyone was there. And the fact that I see Murph at the gym all the time. Maybe I'm secretly longing for some badass guy to sweep me off my feet and give me some lip-pierced MO session. Who knows.

I think I've rambled enough. 

Have you ever considered a career in Periodontics?

So at some point this week, perhaps Monday, my upper right bicuspid tooth was kind of hurting. So I decided to investigate. I probed the area of that tooth and gums with my tongue, and then looked in a mirror to examine the offending painful zone. What did I find? It seemed to me to be a familiar scene in which the gum was pulling away from the tooth area, exposing my ever-so-sensitive roots to the world. (are my roots showing?) The reason this scene was familiar was a year and a half ago, my two bottom front teeth had a similar issue going on. I was referred, at that time, to a periodontist, who informed me that the muscle-ey connective tissue that links your gums to your lips, mine was placed unusually high up on those front lower gums, resulting in the gums themselves being pulled downwards, exposing my roots in a rather unflattering and dangerous manner. Dangerous, of course, because if the roots of your teeth are exposed, plaque and tartar and all that awful stuff can attack your teeth at their most sensitive part. So, a year and a half ago, I had a gum graft surgery. In this procedure, my periodontist (Dr. Trailor) first cut the overly zealous connective muscle, so it wouldn't keep pulling my gums down, then took some gum tissue from the left roof of my mouth (where it is a particular type of gum tissue that re-grows very well) and placed it in the front, both to prevent the gums from receding further down, and also to hopefully regrow them a bit, bringing my receding gumline up. 

And now, a year and a half later, I find the same situation as before, only this time on my upper right bicuspid. It didn't seem to be as far receded as the earlier one, but it was still enough to bother me. In the spirit of preventative action, I headed back to Dr. Trailor. I explained to him what I believed to be occurring. He first chose to examine his old work. He noted how healthy it looked, and that in fact, I was gaining some in the front. He patted himself on the back. Then he looked at the new area. "Wow. You're getting very good at this. Have you ever considered a career in Periodontics?" No. The idea of sticking my fingers in some person's mouth makes me want to vom. A lot. In any case, he went on to say well you've been through this all before, we'll do another graft to prevent further recession. Same deal. Basically my gum had already receded 2-3 mm, which they had not done a year and a half ago. So the next opening was early the next morning. So in I went. The procedure was the same, though I feel like I was much more nervous, having had the whole thing done before. Even though I couldn't feel anything (that local novocaine really is top notch) I was shaking like a leaf. I could not calm down even though I knew I wouldn't feel it at all. I closed my eyes, and couldn't tell when he was even cutting or sewing or anything, but I kept shaking. Afterwards, got my scripts for an antibiotic and some vicodin, and came home. And promptly put ice on my face, and slept. The past two days have been a lot of sleep. I'd like to think that it is because of the drugs. But yesterday especially I could barely keep my eyes open. Terrible.

But, being in pain does not mean one can't have fun. Last night went over to a friend's for Miss America Party with mom. Made crowns, and sashes. I'm "Miss OverMedic8ed". We watched the pageant, were grossly disappointed by Miss Indiana's win (her dress alone should have disqualified her. it was heinous. See upper left) and ate some lasagna and chatted. It was a good time. Home around 11:45, by then my face feeling like someone had smashed it with a cast iron frying pan, so quickly to bed after some pain pills.

Hopefully tomorrow will be ok. I don't want to go to work all sore and cranky. I suspect I don't have a choice. I'll just keep my fingers crossed. And the vicodin close at hand. 

angel food love

well let us see. Not a ton has actually gone on lately. Went out to dinner with blakeley on Thursday evening, learned more about him than I cared to know ever in life....but it was ok. He is just weird. Also saw Slumdog Millionaire with mom on Wednesday, it was pretty good. Parts of it were incredibly sad, but not surprising for life in India to be honest. Unfortunately mom wasn't really aware of conditions in India (unlike sisterK and I, she had never read A Fine Balance, so she didn't know how horrific it was) and was a bit bothered by some of the things. But it had a good ending so that was all that mattered to me. Things have been slow. Still trying to work with insurance to get my treatments in. Missing the friends like crazy. I really want to get in a visit soon, but I guess that depends on when the rest of them can do stuff, what with school and work and all that stuff. But I do miss them. And a family trip would be good. And seeing all the pictures of them makes me miss them more. 

On a more superficial note, went to JCrew yesterday and picked up some nice items with my gift card, and then also some of my own earnings (too much really) but was pleased with what I found. Couldn't get any new pants though...evidently I really am petite, because all regular sizes are way too long on me.  And I end up looking like a small child attempting to wear her mother's trousers. Ridiculous. I'll have to go some other time. Or perhaps look for skirts, since I don't wear nearly enough of those lately. 

Well....time to help pablo take down the christmas tree. Fun times. Had by all.