let your heart be light

So yesterday was Christmas. And it was actually pretty good. I even forgot about my big gift until I was handed a package, and upon opening it, realized it was a new sweet-ass fast camera. Just what I asked for. But like I said, up until I opened it, I had forgotten about it altogether, amongst all the other really awesome gifts I received. Abs had me for Secret Santa, and I think she pretty much got everything I asked for. Bronze gloves, cream-colored matching hat and scarf (Ralph Lauren) two sweaters from Gap, and Wanted on DVD and the Dark Knight. it was pretty awesome. And I got other sweaters from the 'rents, and lots of other really great items. My mom gave each of us some of my grandmother's jewelery, I of course got some green jade earrings, and an emerald necklace, being that green is my favorite color, and I can't wear any of her rings. So it was quite the thrilling holiday experience. My dad was super psyched about the blu ray player, even though, yes I need to get an HDMI cable for it (curse that Blakeley for not forewarning me of that detail) but once we get that it will be hooked up and awesome. C came over for dinner and then he and sisterK went back to her apt to exchange their gifts, turns out he bought her a flat screen tv (spoiiiiiled) and she had gotten him an extra wii controller, and tickets to see the mets in their new stadium. Then we watched Wanted (since mom and dad had never seen it before- and because Angelina is hot) and then went to bed. 

Today, picking up my best, H, and we're going to get lunch in Mystic, then go see Doubt. It is supposed to be very compelling and good. This year I'm NOT the worst best friend ever, because I have an actual gift for her. HA! I didn't forget or lame out this time. HA! I loved all my return text messages (in response to mine which was like 6:30 am) and hope all my friends had a lovely holiday. Also today, GFred is coming to visit, and supposedly bringing lobster. So I guess that is dinner tonight. Tomorrow is sisterK's big 26th birthday, which means there are precisely two weeks until my very own 24th. Eep. So that is the holiday update. Not much else to say really...Oh, I was supposed to have my infusion the 23rd yes? Well no. Insurance glitch so they are trying to work that shiznit out so that I can actually have the treatment. Hopefully soon.

That is all. There is no more.

Snow Angels

No, I haven't gone out to make snow angels yet. Because it is still snowing like a mofo. It is really really really coming down. Times like these I wish I had someone to cuddle up with. We have a fire, but the only one sitting beside me is my dog. Oh boy, patheticism at its best. What a week. Overshares about Blakeley's now non girlfriend, over biking and hurting myself, over analyzing everything I do, over working. It was just nutty. I thought I would be motivated to write more, but somehow I'm just not. I still have the issue of kind of crushing on the kid, and I know I ought not to. But I can't help it. And it is fun to flirt again. And I know he'd never be even remotely interested in me, but no harm in detached flirting. Right? Hope so.

So, White Christmas perhaps? That would be pretty sweet. We haven't had a real one in ages. Also, closing in on my two treatments, and then the birthday! Eeeep! I'm getting old. Old old old. And yet, I feel no wiser.

Annnnnd moral dilema: There has been talk of a tron new years....but Blakeley also invited me to his place. And there are positives of both- tron is my other fam, and A wouldn't even be there since he is in Mexico so that would be great. But Blakeley's is close. I'll be in between treatments and may not want to drive. Not to mention I could make some friends around here. Negatives- driving to port chester, and in the other sitch, I'm really bad at meeting new people in large social situations...I tend to freak out. I don't know. maybe if the tron kids make an actual plan. I don't know. 

where shall I ring in the next year????

blast

Why do I do stupid things like start to be attracted to people that I can NOT be attracted to? Such as non-single people who would never be remotely attracted to me anyway? Great Googly Mooglies. I need to not be such a lame person and focus on ME. 

That in mind, I LOVE THE GYM!!! I love riding that stationary bike and getting out all my aggression by pedaling faster than roadrunner's legs go in those looney tunes cartoons. I love listening to my music, and lipsynching the words, and sort of getting that crazy shoulder action going. I love lifting weights (except on the machines that I'm afraid of a bit) and I have to say, I even love the muscle pain and soreness the next days. And I love that it makes me tired at night, so I actually sleep well (sort of). I know it is a great expenditure of my already somewhat depleted energy resources, but I do like it. Annnnnnd I am already losing weight. Not like a ton, but enough. My flabby tummy is slowly but surely getting less flabby. I feel like there is hope again! Maybe it is the crazy endorphins talking, but snap, I like feeling healthy (as healthy as I can).

Much in the same vein, on the 23rd of December, I am receiving my first infusion of my new treatment. I have to be at the hospital in Boston at 8:15 am, do some bloodwork (so that they know I'm not like sick with a flu or anything first) then receive the preparatory med cocktail of tylenol, steroids, antihistamines so that if I have an allergic reaction to the infusion (which is of course an intravenous one) they can control the reaction and keep me from keeling over. Then I sit there for 8 hours, with a drip in, slowly getting a treatment that could be the best thing to happen to me. The medicine itself is an immunologic one that specifically targets B immune system cells, but even more specifically than that, only the ones with antibodies for CD40, which have been shown to cause autoimmune reactions. They also are problematic in people with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, and Rheumatoid Arthritis. So this drug gets rid of those bad cells that seem to attack one's own body, but doesn't destroy all immune cells, or even all B cells. Which is unlike chemotherapy, because that pretty much just destroys all your immune system cells. It is a relatively new therapy, and most of the testimonies from patients have been very positive. I feel like it could be good. Of course, side effects are possible. Such as that PML brain infection, which has no cure. Basically you are either disabled for life, or dead. So that isn't great. But in the millions of patients who have received the treatment, very few have died. Only the people with NHL seem to lose their hair, so that is encouraging. I don't know what I would do if I went bald...but anyway. I'm very optimistic. It could mean that I wouldn't have pain or have to take so many drugs. It came up fast. the 23rd then the second infusion on January 6th. Four days before I get mad old at age 24. I think it is going to be good. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I miss my friends a lot. Especially Heather. Probably why I've been talking so much to Blakeley at work....hes my age and someone to talk to, and easy to talk to. And when we work out at the gym he is really helpful and encouraging. Ho hum.

Counting down to Christmas.

ps- finally heard my favorite Mariah tune. All I Want for Christmas is YOOOOOOOOOU

ouch

Let us see. Tuesday....Went to the gym and biked 9 miles, and while that sounds mildly impressive, it only burns like 203 cals. BOO. But, to be fair, I was on a bike program, so if I switch to weight loss program on the bike, perhaps we can actually make some headway on the fat that is making me look like the girl who ate Meagan, rather than actual Meagan. In any case, it felt real good. Ran into a guy from work. Awkward....as I stood red & sweaty in my tight-as-all-getup leggings and tank. We talked about how over EB shutdown, some people are being forced to take vacation. To save CSC money. But not us. We are billable to the client. Meaning it would actually LOSE money to make us not work. So work we will. Or, more likely, listen to music and sing since I'll be the only one in my cube. Fun times. 

Then Wednesday, let him convince me to go back to the gym, and work on weights. Awful idea. Well, not really, I was only a bit sore the next day. Also Wednesday, went back to Twilight with George. And I really do love the movie. I know, I'm really just a lame teenage girl. Oh well. Also had therapy Wed. I was commended for two things: 1- joining a gym thats good for you. and 2- removing painful things from life. Such as A and his girl. Because I know I can't deal with it and handle it, and to remove them is a self preservation technique. So I got brownie points for that. Gold star to Megs. (which btw, no one calls me anymore, and I miss that. I liked that nickname) 

Then Thursday....ugh awful day I felt like my face was on fire, and I was overtired and then started getting cranky and being mean to people. So I left early. Came home, slept with a cool washcloth over my angry face, and then later made funfetti for the guys at work. Today, bringing in the funfetti, and work, then coming home and just relaxing. Tomorrow, gym with sisterK, then Muppet Christmas Carol & cookie making, then Symphony with the Henry's. Good times. Sorry to be boring...not a lot happens. Congrats to miss S for her sweet gig on FotC. 

vampire songs & turkey pics

Oh yes. More pictures from Thanksgiving, thanks to Kat.
Good gravy thats a lot of family love.
The part about Vampire songs is all about my new obsession with the Twilight soundtrack. LOVE it. And totally wish someone would write a lullaby for me. Seriously. Why can't a hot immortal guy fall for me and write me a fabulous piano-based theme. Not that I don't already have a song. Meggie's theme is technically my song. But it wasn't written for me. It was written for some crazy character from a book turned mini TV movie.  I want a Meagan McGlinchey song. Well....December is here. Our dog is 11 years old. The Holiday Season is upon us. Yay. Woot. Other joyful/excited noises of expression.

Oh.God. 

So I obviously have only had one therapy session, so I never got into the issues surrounding A. Because of course she wants to learn background first, and this is foreground. 

I saw FB today. And threw up. Like literally, grabbed my trash and vom. Then I decided to delete everything having to do with him and his girlfriend. I can't bear seeing anymore fucking stories about them, I can't see fucking sickly sweet wall messages from one to the other. They are no longer my friends on fb, they're out of my phone, out of my awareness. I need to get them out. Even though I know, because of the circle of TRON friends, somehow he'll worm his venomous self back into my existence. I think for a while I can only see my friends one on one, or in small groups that he is not a part of. I can't believe how hard this is. I can't believe how I'm letting this get to me. But it is. It is literally eating away at me. I wish I could do the whole eternal sunshine thing, where I just erase him from my memory. and her too. So that I can just stop hurting so damn much. 

In the meantime.....gym. must distract self.

don't judge me.

Round 2 to Kat- The empire is secure

 Oh Boy. Thanksgiving. The day where you're supposed to be grateful for all of the rockin stuff in your life. So, I of course listed my awesome friends amongst my life net worth assets, and the fam. And my dog. We had a pretty standard holiday...the Baldwin's came over, so it was Liz, John, Scott, Grandma Doris, and Minnie, the new adorable shih-tzu puppy (see pictures). Katharine and her fiancee Jeremy came over later for dessert. It was a great meal, lots of fun watching the dogs interact with the puppy (they were SO well behaved) and discussion. Scott is pretty cool....hes like 29 and this very modern artist-ey type, I've only seen some of his work, but it is pretty sweet. Some of it is like political reactionary inspired stuff, some of it is just interesting. We chatted about a lot of things. He thinks I should rent/netflix episodes of The Wire, he thinks it is the only good thing to come out of TV lately. And he suggested that since I'm so bored, maybe I should look up college curriculums online, and their reading lists, and choose some of that to read. Not a bad idea. Or he said I could swing by his place and borrow from his random library of books. So maybe I will. I didn't have too much to say, though we did talk about Bioshock (TRON moment) and I told him that the most interesting part (for me at least) seemed to be how you could incinerate people, and throw them wherever. He chuckled and said, yes, most people enjoy incinerating and tossing about subhuman zombies from the 50's. True that. So yes. He seems pretty intense. The kind of person that gets stuck on something, and just doesn't let up. Then later we tried to watch Kung Fu Panda, there were a few scenes missing from sisterK's disc because it was smudgy.

Today was a great day of nothingness. Laying around, eating leftovers, and being generally lazy. Watched a lot of craptastical tv. Tomorrow sister K and I will head to the gym to burn off some of the leftovers before they turn into an extra 20 inches around my waist. Then later we played some cards. First crazy 8's, then she kept getting mad that I was winning, so then we learned and played some Gin Rummy, which she won 3.5 full sets, and like 7 or 8 games total. Hence the title of this post. Damn her. BUT when we returned to crazy 8s, best out of 5 was totally me. I'm the crazy 8s master. There IS a strategy you know. So I am great. Or, like in Kung Fu Panda, K was blinded by my awesomeness. There is no charge for awesomeness. Or attractiveness. 

Generally, it has been a nice break of good times with the fam. Hopefully it will continue into the weekend. Tomorrow is supposedly the Secret Santa party at sisterK's apartment, where the four of us girls pick our secret santa and attempt to not spend a bajillion dollars on Christmas, but enough to keep your person happy. And stocking stuffers for the rest. I suggested that HitlerFish prepare the appetizers for the party, but no one seemed to like that idea. And K keeps insisting that his name is Charlie Chaplin, but I still say he looks like Hitler. 

So yea...another Turkey Day gone, pretty soon it will be Christmas, and then New Years. And then my birthday. 24 EEEP. Almost as old as A- that useless old guy. But I don't have graying hair, like him. So that is reassuring. And then after I turn 24, SL is in March, and C in May. So I won't feel AS old. But still. I hope I have plans for New Years, I hate just sitting around. It won't ever top 2007's new year....that was incredible. Even though the relationship failed miserably, it was still pretty awesome. Maybe this year will be different. I'll keep my fingers crossed. For now, I'm just thankful for life thus far.

renard?

I have suddenly become smitten with foxes. I saw one dart into the woods one early morning, all orangey amongst the still semi-green grass, and then I watched as it slyly turned its head and look at me, and if foxes have eyebrows, one would be raised up at me. A fox challenge. And since then, I keep having dreams that I am a fox. I changed my gmail theme to tea time, which features a fox. That wacky Doors song, 20th Century Fox, comes up on my shuffle with increasing regularity. And I don't feel foxy like Jimi's Foxy Lady, but more in that slightly paranoid, always being chased by hounds, but still able to outwit those mangy dogs and slink off to be all orange and awesome in my den. I kind of think that maybe that is why I strike out in terms of dating. Too many hounds and not enough foxes, and either I'm a dumb fox who can't smell a dog when she meets one, or somehow thinks that settling for a cur will be good enough. Either way, I need to find me a fox. It would help if my foxy brain was over the latest useless mutt. Though, more and more I find myself thinking of him with complete disdain. But not the kind of disdain where I suppose we couldn't be friends. Someday. 

I also feel like S is potentially a white tiger. A siberian sabletoothed tiger? She's fierce, but too cool to be a bengal. 

recollections

As the weather has finally decided to catch up with the calender, it is now about 20* outside. Wow. And the cold has me daydreaming and remembering. Like today, when I woke up and my dad said we'd be lucky if it got above freezing, my mind jumped to ice skating. And then I remembered the last time I went ice skating. Last year, ResLife sunday outing. One of the first times I hung out with A. And probably when I first started to fall for him. I remember being so afraid of falling and him trying to push me around or pull me on the ice. He is a great skater. I was a chicken. I remember distinctly putting both hands out to the sides in a "talk-to-the-hand" type of style. (see above) It was just a crazy rush of memory. And it makes my stomach feel weird. I am very conscious of the fact that I mostly live in the past, and thus can not move forward, but sometimes the memories just make me happy, even if it is just for a second before I realize how unhappy I am now. 

In other news, last night went to a workshop on EFT. It is a technique using acupressure points and tapping, along with positive affirmations, to help get rid of the negative things in your life and stress, as well as bring about the things you want. Just doing some tapping at the workshop helped some of my pain go away. Is it because you are so busy focusing on the words and action that you aren't thinking about the pain? Or about the negative emotions and things? Or the fact that you really do tap onto points on your body that are proven to cause neurological reactions, so  by tapping you are tricking your own mind? Who knows. There is a whole meridian system, the same as the one used in acupuncture, and it is again, proven to affect the body and mind. I'm trying this, in conjunction with starting therapy soon, to try and get out of the place I am in. And by that, I mean the place in my head that I'm in. I want to be able to let go. That is the hardest thing. And of course I have to address my anger issues, and I expect that will come in time. But dedication is key. So here I am, taking holistic approaches and hope hope hoping it works. 

Also, at work yesterday, had interesting Sametime (like im) conversations with one of the techs, R. The one with the pretty girly hair. He is actually pretty nice. Weird, random, but nice. Maybe I'll have a friend around here. That would be weird. Since sisterK is rapidly becoming unavailable (due to the new boyfriend-yes-another one) I need to find someone to spend time with that isn't Jorge or Pablo. We'll see how this goes. 

One of the local radio stations is already on the holiday music kick so I've been tuning in to hear my favorites. You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch is the best. (perhaps it is since both Dad and I have been referred to as McGrinchey) And of course whenever I hear Dominic the Donkey, I think of Anthony. Because of his dad. And then more memories. But I digress, the point is, one of my favorite holiday songs I have yet to hear, when will they play Mariah Carey for me? That one I like because it reminds me of S and her play, and it makes me happy. So I keep tuning in, and in the meantime hear random other holiday songs (the hippopotamus song??). I'm ready for holiday time.

boo colds boo

So in the first day off since the start of PC Refresh Fall 08, I am home with a dangerous cold/sinus infection. I've really been fighting this thing for like two months, but today was just not going to happen. Normally, some good Excedrin and/or Nyquil Dayquil combos can make me feel ok. But today I woke up with a massive frontal cranial pain that still hasn't gone away (and I AM taking drugs and saline spray and all that remedy type jazz). I also had a 102 fever. So that says to me, hey, stay home. Don't infect your coworkers, and try to rest up. Drink fluids. Be well. So I am. And I've already gotten two lengthy calls from coworker Sue, asking how to do my job, which she should know since we've been over it a lot and she is the backup, but shes mildly freaking out. So I had to try and force my brain to function to answer her tedious questions. Other than that, I watched Mr. Rogers. I miss him. Who doesn't love the trolly? I ought to shove my mountain of laundry down the chute and work on that. But I lack motivation. As usual. So instead....diet ginger ale, chicken broth, saline and tissues. 

no, its not a naked picture

Its me as the Bionic Woman. I just have to show how wired up I am because I think it is totally freaky. Like I'm Cyborg Meagan. Okay, I over exaggerate. A lot. But c'mon....an insulin pump AND a month long ekg machine with two electrodes? Pretty robotic if you ask me. please ignore my flab, and the scars from last years removal of the gall bladder. Please thanks.

NKOTB

A serious number, indicated by the white, and the stools. You only wear white and sit when you're being veeeeery serious. And emotional. 

Oh Jordan. A wind machine and an open, lightweight shirt are all you need.

Boy Band Synchronicity!

Look at those moves.

Joey McIntyre looking fierce on the giant screen.

Property of Donnie Wahlberg- NKOTB

Seems as though I haven't written in a while. Mostly because I've been busy/lazy. It isn't that I don't have time to write, but usually I can't motivate. But, lazy Saturdays like today are good for that sort of thing. Recap time

Last saturday, up to Purchase for the surprise birthdayness for A. The real surprise (although not like shockingly surprising because I knew it would happen, I just more thought it wouldn't happen so awkwardly) was the addition of CD to our group in the form of being A's new girlfriend. Old room mate, new girlfriend. I tried to behave myself and I think did relatively well. I waited till I returned home on Sunday to have a good cry and be bitter and angry. I tried to enjoy the presence of my group of friends. And I did. And I don't think she is a real addition to the group. In my mind, boy or girlfriends do not count as members of TRON, even if they happen to be attached to a member. Sorry, you'll never be part of our family. Not even if someone got married would their spouse be a TRONsvestite. That isn't how the rules work. Anyway, seeing everyone else was good for my soul. I miss SL's hugs, and SY's biting wit (and fashion sense. what a hot mama she is) and KH's overall fun. Luckily, next saturday will be them again. and fun again. KH is our little TRON baby, I do believe she is the youngest. And now, 21? They grow up so fast. I found the MOST amazing gift for her on Thursday. That, in combination with the traditional 21st gift I ALWAYS give, will be great.

Thursday was the New Kids on the Block concert. AMAZING!!!!!!! I've never been in such a large venue full of screaming (and I mean screaming. like to the point where it all just sounded like a BUZZ) estrogen. And we're talking some people around my and sister K's age, but there were waaaaay older people, and a couple of youngers. But wow. And I bought my shirt, which bears the phrase that is today's post title. It is hot. It was a lot of fun. Even though I didn't get home till 1am, and then had to work yesterday. 

That part was less fun.  But I got through my day ok. Even had some funny moments. One of my points of contact for refresh and I were emailing back and forth to schedule a walkthrough, so we settle on like 2ish. He wrote "2pm it is, by the back door, near the ramp. I'll be the one with the rose in my teeth." Oh those crazy poc's.  Some of them are really helpful and really nice. On Thursday, we had to do the pipeshop building, and as I walked across the machine room floor, basically every male worker (and thats almost all there are. Not too many female welders ya know) just stops what they are doing and flat out oogles. Like you would think they had NEVER seen a woman. I'm like "didn't you have sisters? mothers? female classmates in high school?" but they just stare. Like lions at a piece of meat being traipsed in front of them. So I counted and mapped out the computers on the first floor, then the second, and when we were ready to leave, the POC was like "umm how about we go out the back stairs. not so many....eyes on you. I didn't like the way they looked at you." I appreciated that. He was looking out for my well being, and that is nice. The part that kills me is that I was a mess. Jeans and a baggy schlumpy sweater, and these boots that look like they are made for lumberjacking. I looked like crap. Plus it was rainy so by then I had put my wet messy hair into a sort of bun thing, but it was awful. I looked like something the cat dragged in. And yet, the pipe shop peepers ooogled away. GROSS. I don't like being sized up like cattle at the market place. I imagine that is what happens to very beautiful women in the regular world, and now I feel bad for them. Because I sure as hell am not attractive and getting stared at like that made me feel so uncomfortable, so I can't imagine how it is for the beautiful folk. Like SY. She gets that all the time. While it is complimentary, it must also feel weird sometimes. Annnnnnyway

Thats about all that is hip-hop-hizappening lately. Working on getting into some new therapy....to try and get control of my "eating disorder" and self-loathing/self-harm and all that stuff. I personally want to try hypnotism sometime. My subconscious undermines me all the time. If I didn't have so many dreams about eating gluten and pastries and pies and cookies and everything sweet and delicious, it would be a lot easier. So if we could turn that off, that would be great. We'll see what happens. Also starting to look at grad schools here in the good ol US of A. Can't be idle for long. That just leads to badness. What is that saying, an idle mind is the prey of the devil or something?

I'll post NKOTB pics and video later.

Apathy = new best friend

So. Yes. Things have just gotten to the numb stage. I don't care anymore. So I had an awful cardiology visit in which he is going to make me seek therapy for what he thinks is some kind of ocd/eating/not taking care of myself disorder. And he thinks my heart is ok, but just has a bad nerve. Meaning some silly nerve somewhere twitches, sending an electrical pulse to my ticker, causing it to start beating like a jackrabbits feet upon the ground when a coyote is near (to warn the other jackrabbits, of course). He said next time, to breathe in deep, and then bear down. meaning squidge up your face all funny and contract all your muscles in a downward motion and make fists and tighten all up. He thinks that will help. That said, he also wants to run some tests. Of course. So next saturday I have a stress echo, where I get to walk on a treadmill and he gets to see how my heart reacts. ok. fair enough. then for a month I have to wear a constant ekg machine. a month. boo. then after that, we see where we are. but he wants me in therapy. great. so now my plan of just shutting down is going to be more difficult being that I have to talk to someone. 

I also found out I didn't even make it to the first round of interviews for the scholarship to ireland. and now I have no plan b. I don't know what to do there. that was my whole reason for caring right now. the only thing that really kept me waking up each day. because I would say to myself, hey, this time next year you'll be in ireland. nope. this time next year I'll be hopeless. even more than I am now. When my dad came home from maine last night he asked how I was. Here is the exchange:

D- "So....how are you doing?"

Me- "Oh, okay, you know tired from work. And it is a Friday so of course the ol bones are weary."

D-" No I meant, you know, you had a bad week. With the bad doctors visit. And the news about Ireland. How are you doing? I know it is bad news"

Me- "Yea I guess. But when do I ever get good news, lately? I guess I'm used to it," I mused

D- "You don't care? At all? I don't think it is good that you are this....apathetic about it"

Me- "What else is there to be? I can't feel anything anymore. I've gotten past being disappointed about things. I don't even bother hoping."

D- *Shakes head and trudges upstairs*

I wish I didn't feel so numb. Even today, hanging out with sisterK and looking at wedding stuff for her best friend's wedding, I didn't even get a twinge. Like, wow someday I'll have to look through this. I just thought.....nothing. I felt.....nothing. Probably because I am.....nothing. I have nothing to be happy about. Really. I know that sounds messed up, like I should be glad I have the chance to be alive and "well" and all that. But I don't see the point. Why am I even here?

how can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals?

There isn't much to say about life now. Just a few things. Like, 10+ hour days are becoming the norm. Except not today. Today I must leave by 3:30 to be "consulted" about my heart. It was pretty amusing, took me like 3 weeks to try and speak to someone at the other cardiologist's office in NL, but my pulmonary guy finally got fed up, called another office in Norwich, and within three days I had like 8 messages to call them and set up an appointment. So I call, and have an appointment in a week. Now, a week later, it is today. And I shall go and see what they have to say about my lousy ticker. Lately it hasn't been too bad. Just a little flopsy. Certainly no crazy pounding, shaking, episodes. So we will see what they think.

Other news, boring boy keeps calling, and I keep ignoring. I know, I'm rude. But it is easier to pretend I don't get missed calls and messages than to call back and be like "um hey, you're not very interesting or energetic, so yea no." Its like, I can take the passive stance, something akin to lying by omission, but I can't outright be mean, which would be like, telling a complete falsehood. Maybe he will take a hint and stop calling or caring. I hope so.

Brunette for the wintertime. And partially because I was bored. It actually came out well this time, I don't look like a patchy weirdo. It is fairly dark though. Will have to up the ante on the makeup so I don't look like a vampire. or ghost. Speaking of, Halloween right around the corner, hopefully the Purchase plan is still up...have to check with K (whom, btw, dyed her hair the same day as me, though hers is a gorgeous shade of red, and I think there is a sign there- like great minds think alike and perhaps I need to visit with her soon- I miss her). I only have my mask for halloween, no idea what to wear. And sisterK and I will be pumpkin picking and carving this sunday. Exciting. 

and.........thats all.

I don't even have words

So I've already lost interest in that fellow. He's not interesting. Doesn't talk enough. Basically isn't someone I could see myself with. I think I thought the first date was fun because I had fun talking a lot. I am, in fact, just as egocentric as A, though with perhaps slightly more soul. Though not much. As evidenced by the fact that I'm already sick of that guy. And now don't know how to tell him. Perhaps I'll just keep avoiding calls and messages, and say my phone was on the fritz. Or just be honest and say  I'm not interested. There isn't a nice way to do that. But oh well.

I also found out something that makes me want to disappear into a black hole. I'm thinking of retreating again. Into myself. My depressed, miserable self. The person I don't like, and I know no one else likes. Only this time hopefully I can avoid the food aspect. You know, the part where I eat a million pounds of food per day. No, this time I will just be silent and empty. Because that is really how I feel. 

I'm pretty sure part of the reason I don't like anyone is because I don't like me. I hate me. I don't even care about finding happiness anymore. It won't happen. So I think I'm going to try to find away to fade away as quietly and easily as possible. I don't find my life to be worth it. 

You've never seen Top Gun? That's it, I'm leaving

So I have decided that first dates are less awkward when 1) you actually already kind of hung out once, but you were tipsy and basically threw away the "good first impression" card by being overly chatty (because you were tipsy) and 2) you are too tired to try and impress the person, and flat out tell them, "Look, I should be trying to impress you right now but to be honest I'm so exhausted from work and just want to nosh on some Mexican food and drink margaritas with you, so if I'm not doing a good job, I'm sorry" and then they laugh at you and all is well. I had a great time. I talked WAAAAAAAY too much....but I never interrupted nor did I ever get the impression he didn't get to talk when he wanted to. Hes just not a talker I guess. I told him to think of things for the next time we hang out to tell me about his life. Hes funny. We had a couple so-quirky/funny-moments-it-could-be-a-sitcom-date things go on.....it was a really good date. And he has a sweet car. And he paid. And I actually let him. First time I've let a guy pay for anything for me in a looooooong time. But it was nice. And basically now I've got this giddy bubbly feeling going on. Like there might be a chance that my life won't suck forever. Wow, I tell you what, wow. So I think we'll go on another date. Who knows when. But I'm looking forward to that. It was a good night. :)

Han Wumpkins

So I now understand how mothers feel when they have to do everything for their kids, and then their kids still disappoint them. Thats all I have to say about that.

The title of today's post refers to our cat's Halloween costume. We are going on a Star Wars theme, with Vivi as and Ewok (Viviewok), Clancy as Chewbacca, and Emma as Han Solo. BUT since A refers to her as Emmy Wumpkins, we thought Han Wumpkins would be even better. I find this to be hilarious (because I thought of it) and no one else does. But I don't care. 

Last weekend of the show coming up! I'm pumped. Especially since 1- sister A gets to see it on Friday and 2- I get to meet the elusive Dangelone and perhaps hit it off??? Golly I hope so. Even just to acquire a friend. Because, due to both distance, and people's penchants for being useless d-bags, I am rapidly losing friends and gaining awkward, I-still-have-to-talk-to-you-because-all-our-friends-are-friends acquaintances. Yick. The fact that the main person in this doesn't get it amuses me. And so I continue to ignore them, and see how long it takes for them to realize. Which could take forever honestly. Because they are so egocentric that they rarely are aware of anyone but themselves. We shall see. 

Work is crazy. Very busy very tiring and yet I feel very important. Start walkthroughs today. What the heezy jeezy am I going to wear??? Don't know. But the project kickoff meeting is today too, so I have to be able to walk, but also look nice. Maybe I'll bring two pairs of shoes. Walkthrough shoes, and hot meeting shoes. 

Thats about it. Starting the process of mission Retain-the-ability-to-have-my-own-kids-someday yesterday by asking my dr. about egg harvesting and the like. He referred me to a fertility specialist at Uconn. Though not after saying, "You know, you could go through the stimulation process and get IVF now and then they can harvest your embryos...." and I was like "um I'm not married yet so...." and he was like "well they have donors you know" and I freaked out. The whole point of this is to save my stuff for when I'm married, so that I can effectively contribute my part to any potential offspring that my HUSBAND and I want. I don't want some random ass donor guys kids. So I tried to nicely explain that, and then he said, yes you'll need to talk to someone else. Thanks. Awkward.

Thats whats goin on. Not a lot. A lot for ME but not a lot. Enough though. Enough.

sometimes it IS about my ego

So last night's performance was awesome! My aunt G and cousin J came (and I haven't seen them in 8 years) and they really enjoyed it, and SJS and her husband came and liked it, and *drumroll please* the Playwright was there!!! Which, luckily, D & S did not tell us till bows, and D comes down and was like, "It is a pleasure and honor to introduce to all of you, the Playwright, Jacob. M Appel" And we all lost it. My jaw just totally dropped. He was really nice and said he enjoyed it and it was all very cool. Also cool was this crazy old director guy who runs workshops in Westerly, gave me his card and all that and was like, "You come across beautifully on stage. You have a wonderful presence up there. Do you audition for much?" so I chatted with him a bit and that was a nice little boost. Then some random group of women came up to me and were like, "Oh you were so great just lovely wonderful job" and one of them said, "you have the perfect voice for this so clear and musical up there. just perfect" which I've never been told before so I just thanked them profusely and said I was glad they enjoyed the show. And it made me feel really good. Even though I was sick. Like I almost thought I wouldn't get through the show. This is just a testament to the fact that a talented actress can give a strong performance no matter what. Of course, as soon as I got home it was vom city, but that isn't important. I got through the show and did so brilliantly, if I may say so. So yes.

Today, resting and getting back on track (it is amazing that one day without one of my medications can seriously throw me for a loop) and then big week ahead, starting my new responsibilities at work for Refresh. Refresh is when we replace old PC models that are just a teensy bit too slow to keep running on, with new fabulous flatscreen models. This year we are exchanging 2425 machines. And I am in charge of scheduling each and every exchange. So I get to call up department managers, have them meet me and then we go through and map where each machine is, and figure out what day to exchange them. Its a huge job. That will likely consume my life. Plus, all the machines have to be done by Dec. 31st. Huge job. But if I do it well and without hitches, I'll look awesome. So yea.

Life isn't bad. Things are going along pretty well. And the forgetting process is working slowly. So that is positive. All is well. :)

ugh

Well let us see.....the opening night of my show was really good. There were of course, a few flubs but for the most part, I was totally on and the other good folk were as well. Its just the two that aren't on that are a problem. A problem which got worse Saturday. So those two get to do extra work this week, to help them not ruin the show. It is very frustrating having to clean up after someone onstage....no one likes having to do on the spot improv because you can't remember your lines. So maybe by next weekend it will be better. On opening night, E's 14-year old pack of guy friends called me hot. Creeeeeepy. I'm sorry but having someone who is 9 years younger and huge jailbait call you hot is disconcerting. Nevermind that I dated someone 9 years older than me, I was 18 at the time and so it wasn't illegal. And nothing happened anyway. So yea that was weird. D has like, told his 25-year-old, apparently well-worked-out and rather handsome boss to come to the show, and promised to introduce us. He must have talked me up a lot, since the kid gave him a bottle of scotch to thank him, and he hasn't met me yet. We'll see how that turns out. I would like to have a distraction.

Saturday sucked, because I once again said how I feel about something, and apparently that is just no good. I'm really done with this this time. Like, he continues to act like its just me being crazy and mad for no reason, and the thing is, I explained why I felt like I do. I said precisely what was making me upset. Not even mad because I wasn't mad, I just felt like he only talks to me (once a week) because he thinks he has to. Because he calls when he only has ten seconds to talk, rambles on about himself and his life and how great and busy he is, briefly asks about my life, but barely listens (and I know this because when I re-mention things in the next weeks' chat, he has no clue what I'm talking about). Then he gets off the phone quick. Or, better yet, the time I called him since he hadn't called me that week, he made me feel like I was interrupting him and S working, so I said I would call back, and he said no so we talked for two seconds again, then he put S on the phone. So for him to tell me this is just me being me (read= me being unreasonably crazy and jealous and not believing that he gives a shit) and that he was done trying to convince me that he actually cares or wants to be my friend is bullshit. Thats what makes me so upset. That we are supposed to be best friends, supposed to be able to talk to eachother about things, and when I try to be honest and say that I feel like he's only doing things to make it seem like he is keeping up his end of the friendship, because all evidence points to that, he flips out and makes me seem like the bad person. And hes like "you do this all the time- if I'm not constantly in touch with you, you get mad so that I'll pay attention to you. and you get mad because I won't have an argument about this with you." I found that to be key. Because no he isn't constantly in touch with me. And even when he is in touch with me, I feel like it is just something to check off his busy to-do list. Like, oh I better call her so that she doesn't get mad (because that is all I do. he thinks I'm mad all the time. When sometimes I'm just quiet, or just don't have anything to say, or don't really care, he thinks I'm mad and judging. He never EVER sees me as anything but that) and when he does talk to me, its not real. Its not like he is calling because he wants to hear my voice, or wants to know how I am, or has something awesome about his life to tell me. He sits there and literally has to think of things to say....like once the first few things of the week are done, he goes "hmm what else...." trying to find something. He once said "don't worry I'll have better stories next week". Stories? Do we really need to come up with stories to be able to talk? When we do talk, I feel like what I'm saying isn't important. He doesn't care about my health stuff and would prefer not to talk about it (I think hes the only person more in denial about it than me. like if you ignore that I'm chronically ill, then I'm not allowed to be. and thus can't use it as an excuse for anything or try to get attention with it. because thats what I try to do) and anything else I mention gets turned into something that happened to him. Like him getting contacted by his ex from 4 years ago, and being all worried that he might have a kid. then saying "so yea luckily I don't have any kids, yet" and I just wanted to scream at him "if you weren't such a freaking manwhore you wouldn't have to worry about that at all. If you were smart and didn't just fuck around un-safely, then you wouldn't have to have that fear of having random offspring" but no. I can't say anything. He always says how he hates my family because he thinks they make me feel bad about myself, and how I need to get away from them. I think its him that makes me feel bad. 

The moral of the story is, I am cutting him out of life for now. I wrote his number down on a piece of paper and hid it away, then took him out of my phone. Then I can't be tempted to contact him. And fuck things up more. He said it is always the same old story with us. So I say, lets close the book. And then burn it. I don't know what to do about his party. I guess I'll still do it. I haven't told anyone about the fight or anything (ie my family) because it is just more of the same and they are sick of him. so I guess I'll fake it. Have the party (at least it will be fun halloween stuff) and try not to care. Thats the real trouble- caring.  

who invented jealousy anyway

So I just woke up from an awful dream....in which I was openly jealous of two of my friends hanging out. Which leads me to believe that despite how sure I was that I'm over things, I'm not. Damnit. This would be the appropriate time, if this were a romantic comedy, for the "perfect guy" to fall out of the air and though I wouldn't realize it at first (because I would still be being jealous and stupid) he would be the right one and then I would be happy and to heck with those that make me jealous. I feel like, to some extent, it probably isn't right that I can't get over someone until I've found someone new to like. That doesn't seem productive. Ick. As if I need this right now.

Show is bugging me out. Tonight we have off, which is good, but also bad. Good because I need a night to sleep more than 6 hours (and I know I know, some people survive on like 2 or less hours- but I'm not some people I'm me dangit) and if we don't rehearse I get to go to bed early. Bad because we need the practice. I'm shaking in my boots on this one. Again, not because of me so much, but mostly interactions with the other actors and things. So I'm wigging out. A bit. A lot.

Purchase makes me want to kill someone. Apparently it is commonplace to not let people know that you've made some sort of cut to the candidate list, and they aren't on it. So in other words, even Purchase freaking college screws people, including their own alumni. Thanks assholes. And now I'm really nervous, if I can't get a job there, where am I ever going to be hired? Been trying not to think about the job thing too much because I don't need to stress myself more than necessary during a show, but seriously? I'm going to be homeless, insuranceless, and jobless and I don't want to live in a cardboard box!

Started putting the wheels in motion for Halloween/surprise party for certain people. Its going to be uber sweet. And my friends are ready and willing to help out! And I already know what I'm wearing for Halloween. There will be a mask involved. As dumb as this sounds, I look good in masks. Something to do with the fact that you can really only see my eyes, and lips. They are some good features. Anyway, so I'm pumped for that.

Now, to take a hot shower and erase all my negative jealous feelings so they can't stew more. And perhaps to attempt to get him out of my head. argh.

I wanna wake up where you are

You know what is so weird....some days you can wake up feeling all sunshine and rainbows, and then the next day is like "I miss my old life! BOOOOO". I just think it is funny how the blues seem to come in odd waves. 

Well, tomorrow begins Hell Week. Yes that week that all theatre people dread, and yet are waiting in excited antici...................pation for. (and yes that was a Rocky reference). I'm nervous of course, but I know my skills. I'll be fine. More than fine really, I'll be damn good. I'm not trying to be full of myself, but Herr Direktor has only given me minimal criticisms, but several times I'm singled out as someone who is really doing great things. And in a cast of 6, being singled out is pretty sweet. I just need to get words down pat. He doesn't allow ad libbing. So that needs to be fixed. In the meantimes, got some sweet flats for the character that I will then continue to wear in real life, they are this deep red so that they almost look black, until there is light shining on them, then they're bright. And they have this zipper detailing that is awesome. Very cool. And I decided she's a red lipstick kinda gal. Neveryoumind that I look kind of weird in it (too pale) but she has to have it. Anyway, I'm really psyched. Once again, I express my deep hope that my friends make it. By whatever means possible. and that they reserve seats www.intentionaltheatre.com  because there really is NO ROOM. I know some of them have said they just need to get here, and I appreciate their effort. (aka I heart KH)

What else....possibly grabbing some coffee with an old crush today....and NO he did not ask me out. I asked him. Because I'm bored. I have NO friends here excepting my sister and she has her own life and thats not cool. No, it is cool she has her own life, just not that I feel like I'm interfering because I have no friends of my own. So what's the harm in a little coffee. I'm pretty much guaranteed that hes going to think I got fat and ugly, so no chance of weirdness, and I don't have to impress him. So I'm hoping just to actually have a nice un-awkward chat. Lets keep those fingers crossed.

Have to take pictures today to send in my package down to Washington- the Mitchell Scholarship!!!! It is due next week, but if I send it Monday it will be there in time. I hope hope hope hope hope the recommenders keep up their end. I'm nervous. And pumped. I hope the judges find me worthy. 

I'd say that is just about it. No doctors this week (hurrah) So just have to live through Hell Week and put on a sweet-ass performance Friday and Saturday. Oh year, and my dad's birthday is the 24th. Giving him money, to contribute to the LCD flatscreen he just bought himself (even though I'm not supposed to know he bought it already) so I thought given how expensive they are, I'd be safe offering $200 of my hard-earned dollars. Plus I just paid off some more of GFred's loan, another $200. So who is broke till Friday? Oh yes, ME. And I have to pay for my damn health insurance (371 a month- maybe I'd rather forego it and just die). I still haven't heard from any jobs. Oh well.

Chin up! Put a smile on! As Dean Martin would be crooning, "The future's brighter, when hearts are lighter, so darlin smile smile smile!"

The Grinch's heart was two sizes too small.

I think this is fitting- Phil calls me McGrinch, and my heart seems to be broken (or perhaps just too small) right now. Tomorrow is back to Boston. For my echocardiogram. I keep having these nightmares in which they go to do the echo, and something is horribly wrong. Like a giant tumor on my heart. Or they say something like, "why you silly girl, you have no heart at all. good luck finding happiness in life with no heart" or something like in one of those alien movies where a creepy alien baby gets all offended by the test and rips out of my chest. Yes, I realize I'm over dramatic. But I can't help it. You can take the girl out of the theatre but you can't take the theatre out of the girl. 

In other news, the show progresses. Not much longer now. I'm starting to feel the role. And love it more and more each time. 

I had an ok time up north with my baby vietnamese cousins. Soooooo cute. They are too damn adorable. And the best is when they get excited and laughing and smiling- they have dimples and it just about makes my heart want to burst they are so cute. And tiny. They are peanuts. Not quite on the American scale yet. In fact, they weigh 18 each. My dog, Vivi, weighs 22. Sad. She needs a diet and they need to eat more. But they are sweeties. Zoe especially- shes the easy going twin. Tylie is high maintenance. It was awesome to see them. 

Thats about it. I'm hoping tomorrow brings some sort of idea of why my heart is a useless piece of crap (both as an organ AND in relation to my love life) and we can fix at least part of it. 

She said she loves me like fireworks

I realized how much I miss being in love. You know, the goofy grin plastered on your face all the time, how you have the butterflies in the stomach when you merely think of the person, how you always think about them even when you really ought to be focusing on more important things. How a simple call or text from them shoots you to the moon. I miss that a lot. And what is worse is remembering yourself in love with particular people (because really, was it all that long ago? no not at all) and for someone like me, who falls really hard really fast, the memories are abundant. And I remember the details. Like the first thing I baked for someone, and how they reacted. The first time I may or may not have sneakily connived them into making out. (the fact that I had to do that ought to have been a red flag- warning, if you have to do all the work, he is NOT it). The first time I woke up next to them and couldn't even express how happy that made me, despite not really having slept well at all. Its that sort of stuff that gets me every time. And so I wait (not very patiently) for the next time it happens. And hope hope hope its the last time. That I can find the person that waking up next to every single day seems like the only important thing in life. That guy. Who knows. 

In other news, my heart is useless. The actual organ. Tuesday night, as I was asleep, it freaked out again. Boo to that. Woke me right up. But luckily calmed down so no ER. Thank heavens. But it is still worrisome. Like what the heck triggers my heart to start jackhammering? The Dr in Boston was good, have to get records released and copied and sent to her, and have an echocardiogram next Tuesday (because she thought the whole heart thing was suspicious too) and she put me on a new med that is supposed to be really good for inflammation of the lining of lungs and heart and such. So I'm hopeful. 

Driving up to Buffalo with Mom today to sort out some nasty business with her siblings. My stupid aunt (as in married into the fam) gave away my grandmother's sofa that was being stored in their basement, and which had been promised to my grandmother's sister. What is worse is that 1) she gave it away BEFORE my grandmother passed, and way before she had even had the stroke, meaning she basically just didn't ask permission (because mind you, my aunt hadn't spoken to her since like March). 2) she gave it to her mother, who is an uber bitch that hates our family so much, she didn't even attend her own daughters wedding to my uncle because she refused to associate with us. 3) my uncle didn't say a damn thing about it. The sofa certainly didn't meander up the cellar stairs and take a walk to her mother's house. It had to have been moved. In what part of his mind was this ok? ugh. So figuring that out. 

fin.

random is fun?

So at some devilishly late hour of the night (really only quarter of two am) I got a text. At first, I was totally ready to yell at A for texting me in the middle of the night which he KNOWS not to do. Then I saw it was an unknown number. And it was a text from an oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooold crush. Like I worshipped him in hs. Used to let him copy my math homework every morning in homeroom for our class later that day. And of course he had a girlfriend and I was totally kidding myself. And then after high school who knows what happened to him. The last time I had seen him, to be honest, he looked awful. Heavy (which for the former soccer/wrestling star was shocking) and depressed. And the rumors about him were not promising. So evidently he was working at the bar he works at last night, and saw my sister out with her friends, and asked how I was, and for my number. And she gave it to him. So he texted me in the middle of the night, saying "hey beautiful its ***** I ran into your sis tnite in the bar just wanted to say hi and hope all is well, sorry for being so random". I didn't respond till morning, honestly, I was so groggy, confused and overall shocked I doubt I would have said anything sensible. So this morning I was like "sorry for the lapsed response, but I was asleep. I am well, how are you? and don't worry, random is fun!" thinking that it was morning, he was working at a bar the night before, he wouldn't be awake or see it for hours. 

Lies.

Thus began 45 minutes of kind of catching up via text. In which he informed me that hardcore exercising is really good for stress and depression and I should try it, he asked if I had a boyfriend and when I said I was unattached but ok with that, he went on to inform me that he has given up the pursuit of love because it is pointless, and he needs to work on himself for a while, and also wanted me to send a picture of myself. It was weird. He also mentioned he recently lost a good friend, so I'm thinking maybe he is trying to reconnect with old acquaintances or something. Because otherwise I don't know why he would care. I was just the geek who gave him homework. He always kind of was teasingly nice to me and sort of would get my hopes up and then of course nothing ever happened. So I don't know whats up with this, but whatever. There isn't any harm in me being nice to him. Hes had troubles in the past few years, so maybe he just needs a friend, and remembers me as the nice geek who gave him homework, and figures I would still be nice. Who knows. Its not like I couldn't use some friends or people to hang out with once in a while. So, old crush, new friend. Maybe. 

In other news, the show goes well. I'm pretty much off book and the actual acting and blocking gets better every time. I'm actually getting revved up. Hopefully my friends come. 

now, to bed since I have to be up at 5am. half day of work then Boston for the new rheum. tomorrow!

I hate being wrong. Further, I hate having to admit that I've been wrong. It is made even more obnoxious when it is something I ought to be sublimely right about, which is to say, myself. But I've been damn wrong. Like, wronger than wrong. This is going to seem stupid to anyone who reads it. But in the end, it is more about me getting it out. I thought I was going to die today. I thought I was having a heart attack. And I sort of did. Not in the real clinical sense mind you, because later when they checked for the enzymes that get released after you have a heart attack, only one of my levels was elevated. But my heart was about to pound itself out of my chest, it was beating so hard and so fast, it was like a jackhammer. Combine that with the intense pain in the center of my chest, and the sweating and clammy pale me clutching my chest, and it lasting for 15 minutes before I called my parents (they were at a funeral I didn't want to bother them) and then another 45 minutes really before they called an ambulance. Once I got a bunch of oxygen, things calmed down. And don't get me wrong, I tried to do the slow down the breathing thing, to do in through the nose, out through the mouth- try to be calm thing. But it wasn't working. Which, admittedly, made me freak out more. Because I thought I was having a heart attack and dying. At 23. While watching, of all things, House, on TV. I didn't want an ambulance so that made me even more hysterical. The oxygen really did help. Half way to the hospital, my heart calmed down and the pain was receding. But my bp was (is) still high, as is my pulse rate. Once at the hospital, two ekgs and xrays and bloodwork showed me to be fine. With the exception of the crazy one enzyme. So I didn't really have a heart attack. Just nearly. 

So I've been pretty wrong about the whole way I live. I really actually do have to take care of myself. I really do need to not eat bad things, and exercise, and lose weight. Its not really an option. I thought I was going to die. I've not often felt like that before. And if I die at my age of a freaking heart attack, that is just unacceptable. I can't play this stupid nothing bad will happen I can do what I want game anymore. If I want to live, I actually have to live right. I know people will think this is lame. And a lot of people will be like "uh duh Meagan we've all been watching you act like a schmuck and hurt yourself and you never change". But I've never really thought I would get that close. Or at least think I was that close. So it is time for me to change. I don't know how, but I can't be having almost-heart-attacks all the time. What if it had been a real one? I don't even know. I just know, this is it. Turning point. September 6, 2008. I am going to live well. and hopefully, longer. 

sorry to be a downer as usual. but I just needed to get it out. 

some chain-smokin, whiskey-guzzlin prostitute

Not gonna lie...I love the play I'm in. It is just a ton of fun. Mom ran lines with me tonight (only like 3-4 imperfections on my part-wooo)  and she was laughing and I remembered what we wrote at the top of our scripts first rehearsal "This is a comedy". And it is. It is dang funny. Bordering on Christopher Durang funny. I hope people come to see it. AKA I hope my friends don't flake out on me like usual and not come. 

Nothing else going on. In a fight with sister K because shes a jerk. I don't like being lied to. I can deal with being blown off and if you want to spend time with other people instead of me, fine. I'm ok with that. But don't lie to me and say you're going to go home and just go to bed early, to get rest for our planned outing tomorrow, and then stay up till 2am with some random person over. Jerk.

Not a word on any job prospects. I have no patience for such nonsense.  I need to write my personal statement for the scholarship, get photos, and make copies of my birth certificate, transcripts, and mail all that hoopla down to dc. Only a month before it is due. Hopefully all my recommendations get done (please professors- don't fail me now!).

I'm pretty depressed and lonely. I miss my friends. a lot. being home alone is sad. oh well. Just gotta get through things. thats all I have to say. 

ps. painted my nails a very almost black shade, but when the light hits it you see the maroon sparkliness. mom thinks I look like a vampire. 

what does procrastination sound like?

It sounds like sister K vaccuuming out her car, dad practicing scales in his closet (which is, incidentally, on the other side of my wall, so I can hear it all, loud, clear and trumpety). It sounds like my little macbook keys clickity clicking as I type this blog instead of cleaning my room. I'm going to be a terrible mother. I hate cleaning. And when you have kids, you have  to keep your room, your husband's room (also yours, but like his half) and your kids' rooms clean too, until they are old enough to clean. And the rest of the house, in case guests pop in. I am ok with the rest of the house part. In our apartment, generally speaking, I was good at keeping the kitchen, bath, living room etc clean. But my room? Fugghetaboudit. No man wants to marry a messy room gal. Whenever there was even a slight chance of a guy being over, I would clean it. But I would have to maintain cleanliness as a wife and mother. Boo. And it isn't clean. I don't like being filthy. I am, however, messy. And I have a tendency to hold onto things as memorabilia and that clutters things up. The question is, do I marry someone who is really neat and will do the cleaning or do I marry someone messy? Because the neat guy might freak out on my sporadically for being a slob. But the messy guy and I would never pick up. I guess I would have to have a guy on the horizon for that to even be remotely plausible. 

In other news, Irish fest was damp. And full of guinness drunk folk. We saw a sweet ass irish band play, and at irish food, and then came home. Not thrilling. Mom and sister K got things, I couldn't find something I wanted (what I really wanted was a Donegal shirt, but NOOO). Then I had rehearsal. Which was.....the same. I need to memorize me some lines. Like seriously.

Today. Walmart. Always interesting, though today I didn't see any particularly heinous people. I wanted to go to Mystic to a lingerie store, to try and get some silk and/or satin camis, because I like old fashioned-type camis a lot, and I think they'd be the only place to have them. No where else seems to. But now I'm tired and lazy and have to finish my room, so perhaps tomorrow (if they are open). Mom and Dad got invited to a friend's for dinner, so unless sister K stays over and we rent films and eat, I will be alone with the dogs, again. I really want her to stay, but we shall see. Her social calender fills up faster than a fat guy at ponderosa. Boys and dates all the time. I told her, perhaps she could find me someone to go on a date with. Mom said "that is what I was thinking". Gotta love it when the entire family thinks you need to go out on a date. I haven't been on a real date since...since my last real boyfriend. Like two and a half years ago. Unless you count going out for drinks with an older supervisor whom I ought not to have gone out with, and who ended up kissing on a first date, and waaaaaay too intensely. but I don't count that. Because it was shady and awkward. So yea. I guess I should get out there and try to date. Suggestions for how to go about this are welcome.

And now, to finish the room. Which looks like a recycling plant due to my overabundance of vitamin water bottles littering the floor. Ugh. I'm gross. later alligators. 

home alone = dress up

Annnnnd this is what I do when my parents go away and its just me and the dogs. I know, I'm a weirdo. But c'mon, who doesn't love dress up? (actually, the dogs HATE it) In other news, well, no other news. Nothing has happened. At all.

I may be inducing familicide

My father may or may not kill me when I get home tomorrow. yes, tomorrow. I know I was only supposed to be here till today, but then something is going down later tonight so I wanted to stay. And dangit I'm 23 years old. He doesn't own me. I can do what I want.

Thus far, a really successful weekend. Arrived Saturday, about an hour late (for which I received a text from A saying, "OMG the world has stopped spinning, ur late") and hung out and had the first tea of the weekend with him. Then he asked me if I could do voiceover stuff for something he and S are working on. So I did. Then went over to see my darling C, and Alas was there back from the islands, looking a lovely shade of dark brown (I'm jealous) and telling me about swimming with sharks unintentionally (also jealous...I would LOVE to swim with sharks. as long as they were in a cage or I was in a cage. bars betwee please). Watched some Olympics, some Drag Queen Project Runway, quick trip to the A&P then back to A's apartment which no one really lives in anymore, but everyone is always at. Watched Blue Crush with K-C H and K-Hawk and her friend L whom I have been introduced to but always seem to space out on. Then laaaaater A & S came back from filming, we hung out a bit, then back to A's to sleep. And sleep I did. The couches in Alumni are really good for me to sleep on, because I can sit up and still be comfortable. Sunday, slept in MAD late (like 11ish) texted B and we made plans for fabric store shopping and lunch, and went and did that for a while. Back on campus around 4ish, went to the PAC to help out with the video, then came back, totally conked out on the couch and A & S just left me there. And instead of going out and being fun when I woke up, just got in my pjs and read some Irish fairy tales and watched him work. I really love watching him work. He gets all psyched up. And I kept staring into space and he kept asking what I was thinking about, and I can't tell him. Because we're supposed to be just best friends. And I'm supposed to be past thinking about everything. But I miss the way it was. A whole lot. Oh well.

Today, breakfast at Lenny's, dropped him off at the station, got some clothes at Target after calling my mom and her telling me that if I was staying another day, I better be looking into the jobs I applied for here and Manhattanville, so it seems like I'm being productive, or my father will definitely kill me. So I needed something that would not look so lazy weekended. Khakis to go with my black sweater T and some black flats. Less unemployed-college-grad, and a little more successful-semicasual-business-in-the-summer-time-alumni. So after fighting with the Library, I'm printing out more copies of resume, and trying again to find jobs. Here there and anywhere. Later, perhaps some sort of celebratory something, and then home tomorrow. I already called out of work.

If by Wednesday night there is no post, I may have been slain by my father. Let us hope not.

grunge bunny

I remember a little bit ago, K wrote in her blog that maybe she's the only one who reads it. And sometimes I feel the same way. But I don't care. I know my life is mad boring, and I just like to type it out sometimes. Make me feel like someone might care that I saved a mouse or got glasses or what have you.

Even though, in the grand scheme of the entire universe and galaxies and all of that, I am but a speck of matter. Matter that doesn't matter? Who is to say?

The title of today's blog comes from my sister K's description of Vivienne, prior to her grooming today. She was rank. A stanky grunge bunny. But now, she is a stick-legged puffball. and rather amusing to observe.

A & B leave tomorrow. Gone back to school. I too, will be going to Purchase, but just for the weekend. I feel like I'm going to be all "why can't I stay?" even though I don't want to be a student, I just want to be there. As I've said many a time, I get more done and am such a different person there. When I'm at Purchase I have my shit together and work and all that. Home, I'm a lazybones. But it is my goal to see people. Even if it is just a bit. I miss them.

I realized also that with A&B gone and just me here, it could get awkward. Since I have to be the buffer zone between the folkses. Which is why I loved my mom's offer to C to come live with us if he needs time to find a job/apartment. It's not right near the city, but it is closer than where he lives. and perhaps quieter. More space to think. I doubt he will take us up on it, but it's out there. And then I wouldn't be so lonely. I know, I'm selfish, I only think of my needs. But still. 

This week was weird. Haircuts, interviews, random shopping trips with S during work....good. Today I'm wearing my new blue sweater....and if I do say so, it looks mighty fine. The blue is good on me. And my new jeans. Comfy. Not too tight. Tomorrow, off to begin my battle with the PC library folk. And I will win. Dangit. Now, dinner with the fam. Then perhaps something with K? Who knows. 

Adios, amigos.

How to save a life

I saved a mouse today. Gray. Small. I thought maybe his legs were broken but not so. After an hour in the shoebox he had begun to move about and eat the cracker crumbs and drink water. So then I put the box in the garage so if he escaped, it wouldn't be inside, where our ratty kitty would undoubtedly just capture him again, and bring him back, triumphant at having outwitted my silly human kindness. 

I also discovered that charlie horses that cause your toes to curl under and hurt like a mother are no good. And that, to avoid them, I should eat more bananas. Potassium you know. 

Had my interview yesterday. I think it went well. I also applied for a job at Purchase. I don't know why. I'm in a show here, I can't travel two hours twice (three times) a week to rehearse here from Purchase. But I do know why. So I can be in a place where I'm comfortable and know everyone and like everyone. So I can be with friends. Maybe they won't even consider me. Who knows. 

It is tax exempt week here. Which means I should be out shopping. But alas, my body says no. So I say, "Ok....but don't mess up my weekend at Purchase, taking care of business and visiting my loved ones. I'll be nice to you now, but don't try to play me." And I only hope my body decides to listen. Stupid corpus. 

Thats really all I got. The gals are leaving (yes both) on Saturday. And after that, a big ol house with just me, dad and mom. WEEEEEIRD. We'll see how long before I want to jump off the roof. Or live in the shed. 

Bon nuit, little one, bon nuit to you all.

come weary soul and rest upon my shoulder

Well....we had services here. Drove to Colden. Had services there. A lot of family. I was able to get through my part ok. And everyone said it was a lovely and fitting tribute to her. I guess that should make me happy. The whole thing was weird. Staying in the house that is no longer my grandmother's, but my uncle and his wife's. Its really different and awful. And because I'm his godchild, I was the one who had to stay there (to be fair, K stayed until she lost it on Friday and went to A&J's with the rest of the family). As usual, my godson was awful to me. He basically treats me like crap and thinks that it won't matter because as his godmother, I HAVE to love him. And the funny thing is, I don't care. I find him to be more tolerable than his obnoxious little brother. I can't stand him. Colden, was, as usual, beautiful. That is one thing I love about Western NY, so much wide open space. Like miles and miles and miles and so much sky. I love it. And seeing my cute cousins was fun. Zoe and Tylie are adorable. They're learning to talk and do things and its just awesome. In the following pictures, ice cream time, Zoe is all about the neat little licks of her cone, and Tylie is just a mess. Priceless. So yes, following: pictures of the way up, there, and back. Thrilling, I know.

the end.

It is finally over. Now I just have to get through the services here, and the ones in Buffalo, and then life can hopefully return to some sense of normalcy. I hope her soul is free and without the weight of this world. I'm pretty sure she's somewhere with her siblings, friends, and my pop-pop, glad to be reunited. that is all.

can't someone please just drive here and kidnap me, spirit me away to someplace else? I can't take it. it is getting to the point where I no longer just want her to die (she still hasn't. I can't figure it out since she hasn't had fluids in more than 3 days, and no food for a week, why is she hanging on?) but I myself want to die. like I can't escape my family and this whole awful thing and I just want to not even exist. I'm done.

Moocher of Joy?

h'Okay so, you know how you're supposed to be really happy for your friends when things go well for them, and congratulate them and all that? I think I have a problem. The problem isn't that I'm not happy for them, it is, I think, that I am TOO happy. Like with my dear friend getting the job he wanted at VH1 (because he totally did. which I knew he would) I have been mad excited. As soon as he texted me with the info I was like, "YESSSS!" out loud, so everyone around me (I stayed home from work yesterday) was like, "What? What?" and when I explained it they just thought it was nice. But I was lit up like a Christmas tree. And I couldn't help but tell him how awesome and amazing he is, and congrats, and how proud I am (am I his mother? do I have ANY right to be proud at all? I did nothing to contribute to his greatness-perhaps it is like I'm so proud to be friends with someone like him?) and I really think I have an issue. I don't get excited about anything in my own life anymore....but any little thing that happens to him is cause for celebration and a huge grin on my face. And lately, it is the only thing that cheers me up, having him tell me how wonderful his life is going. I don't want to live vicariously through him, especially because I'm not like him in so many ways, but it seems I am freely feeding off of his joy. I hope he doesn't mind. It kind of takes me back to when we first met and first started hanging out, I told him I was just spending time with him because he was always so happy and cheerful that I just wanted to mooch off his joy. He told me that better not be the only reason we hang out. And of course it wasn't. I was falling for him at the time. So I said it was also because of his great smile (which was also true- whether or not I love him, at any given time, I will always be a sucker for his smile). Anyway, I just know I'm like the happiness leech. But I can't help but be happy for him. 

In other news, nonnie still hanging on. Yesterday I actually went in a lot. She even smiled a bit when I came in. I hope she's not in horrible pain, but I think the morphine and adovan are helping with that. 

Now, for work. 

Exhausted. I'm just becoming mentally and physically exhausted. I go to bed at like 8:30 to try and get as much sleep as possible (compensating for the fact that I wake up a ton) and still my body is like, "um yea about that- lets go back to sleep." What is terribly annoying is that when I do sleep, I pretty much only dream about one person, and I shouldn't be dreaming about him. At all. I know it is just because I miss him a ton. But really, subconscious, really? 

So the days keep dragging on. I actually went in the room yesterday evening because mom made me ask aunt C what she wanted to drink for dinner, and it was awful. She is just laying there starving to death, looking more skeletal than when they first brought her. That is why I don't go in. The sight of someone starving to death makes me want to drive off a bridge. Am I being selfish and stupid because I can't give an old dying woman some of my time before she goes? Maybe, but I think it is better that I avoid it than go in and look like I'm all freaked out by her. Everyone knows I don't have a poker face- she would see instantly (even in her drugged out, barely able to open her eyes state) that I was uncomfortable. And wouldn't it feel worse to know that someone is bothered by the sight of you? I think so. Again, I maintain my one visit to tell her I love her rule, and other than that I just can't do it. I feel guilty, but truthfully, I don't want to hurt her feelings. This whole thing sucks.

Finding a job also sucks. I'm so proud of that dear boy, most likely going to work with VH1 soon....I bet he'll get it hands down. He's like wonderboy for all his graphics. I'm really proud of him. As for me, I'm going to be officially without health insurance next Friday, the 16th. Bad news bears. I really really wish one of the places I've sent my resume could just read the summa cum laude part, and all the skills, and be like, "by george she is EXACTLY what we've been searching for!" Alas, it is not so easy. And everyone is like, "You aren't being aggressive enough!" but what would you like me to do? Bang down their doors saying, "YOU NEED TO HIRE ME RIGHT NOW I'M AMAZING!" uh so not my style. I'm a little more subtle. Low key, if you will. I just want to hear back from one, even if it is just an email or call saying they are not interested. Courtesy anyone? 

And now, to get ready. Rain today. Just starting now in fact. I like rain.

Oh Monday Monday how could you leave and not take me?

I'm beginning to feel the wear of the situation, on me, my siblings, and my relatives. K & B are getting mad tense and snapping at everything and both acting as though they aren't the bitchy ones. A & I are trying to lay low. Keep a minimal profile. Except A goes in and sits with nonnie. I cannot. It makes me horrifically uncomfortable and feeling like I shouldn't be there. So I don't go in. And that bothers some people. But I can't do it. And despite taking extra prednisone and trying not to mess up, I can feel my body start to react to the stress. The muscle and joint pain, the swelling, and the headaches. And of course every three to five minutes I spasm and a few times since I was eating, started to choke. Tonight, early to bed. More rest means less body reaction. I hope.

In other news, the incomparable Alfred Hunt wrote me a recommendation for the Mitchell Scholarship, and sent me a little email letting me know that he had just returned from Europe and apologized for not doing it sooner. The man is wonderful. I have to travel to Purchase to get a "certified" copy of my transcript (from which to make 9 other copies, not certified) and of course to get my damn diploma after what I'm sure will be a fun battle with the library. Oh and to pay parking tickets. Fucking Purchase. And perhaps see some friends. But I won't be able to get there till after all this stuff is over. I have jury duty August 22nd, yay for doing your civic duty! And going to Boston to see if the rheumatologists at Beth Israel are more compassionate and more intelligent than mine, who believes that despite my constant pain, since my bloodwork is good, I'm good. Dick.  Still have lots of resumes out there, hoping to find something. Need good insurance. 

But really, other than the whole death looming over my house thing, things are good. I'm lucky. I know this. And for some reason, some little part in my brain is all my buddy A telling me "you need to experience life just like everyone else" so maybe this is just a lesson. Maybe this is about learning to experience things and that you just have to take it in and learn and not be angry or bitter. Death is part of life. I wish he was here. Its pretty stupid when I'm falling apart all I want is for him to pat me on the head and comfort me. But I appreciate the outpouring of kindness from my friends, near and far. As lame and cheesy as it may seem, I gain some strength knowing that everyone cares.