Where do we go

.......when we die? Does it really just end? I can't fathom ceasing to exist. Ceasing to be. I can't imagine not knowing the things I know, loving the people I love, living the life I live. Do we really just stop being? In Buddhism, after you die you go into the Bardo world, full of demons and tricks trying to keep you from moving on to your next life. But it isn't really you. It's your soul. But it isn't you. In fact, it doesn't remember ever being you. And in the next life, it just starts over. No questions. No weird feeling that it was once you. Of course, as a Christian, I should believe that there is a heaven. A lovely place in the sky, where all the people that died before you are waiting to celebrate with you. Heck, maybe even people you didn't know. Like da Vinci. Maybe you get to meet them and chat with them. But only if you were good. That is the catch, gotta be good. Somehow, I would like to think there is something after you die. Where does the energy that makes up you go? It must go somewhere. Energy does not just disappear. It constantly transforms. And it is one thing to believe that the energy that makes up your physical body then turns into food for the worms that will eat it while you sit in the ground decomposing, but what happens to the energy of your mind? Of your soul? It can't just disappear. It is scientifically impossible. Everyone knows the mind emits great amounts of energy, thats how the power of attraction works. They've done studies showing that your thoughts emit energy. And I'm inclined to believe that thoughts are outside the realm of your physical body. So where does it go? Where do we go? 

If you can't tell, my grandmother is dying. slowly. Tomorrow she will come to our house to basically starve to death, with pain medication so she can't feel it. Hospice is coming in to monitor things, and we have the special bed and oxygen and all of that. That way she won't be in an awful hospital, but will be in what has become her room in our house, windows open and breeze coming in, and all of us here, and we seem to think this will make it better. I don't think it will. She knows what is happening. She can't speak, and rarely responds to us, but I know she knows. And I can't imagine how scared she must be. Because how do you know that you are going to die, and soon, and not freak out? How do you resign yourself to no longer being? I don't know. I guess our purpose is just to remind her how much we love her before she goes. And hope she goes peacefully. But again, how do you just slip peacefully into something you don't know or understand? People I've known, and loved, have died. But not right in front of me. I don't know how to sit by and watch. And what bothers me most, is that I keep having these horrible flashes that someday that will be me. Obviously everyone dies, but I keep having nightmares (when I can fall asleep that is) that its going to happen to me when I'm still young. When I have these dreams, I'm not an 80-year-old woman who has lived a really great life and had love and babies and grandbabies and all that. I'm young. So not only am I scared for my grandmother going into the unknown, but for me. I know this is awful and depressing, but I need to get some of it out. So I apologize. I'm so scared.

The waiting game

My grandma had a massive stroke this morning. As of 8pmish, she was lying flat in a hospital bed, unable to move anything on her right side, unable to speak, and basically only communicating by using her left hand to squeeze someone else's. Her doctor told my mom that if (and thats a big if) she makes it through the next 24 hours, they will have to bring in hospice, and consider putting in a feeding tube, because of course she can't swallow. But my grandmother has a living will and all that, and has already decided, no feeding tubes, she has a DNR order (do not resuscitate) and all of that stuff. She decided a while ago she wouldn't live as a vegetable. Which I respect. But I fear that means she will just be gone soon. Granted, we've been told like 8 times in the past year to say goodbye. But just seeing her, this is different. I'm not sure she really recognized me, but I think so. She seemed to know who everyone was, just couldn't tell us that. Uncle A is here too, and most likely Jenny and the girls will come tomorrow. If she makes it to then. I feel really bad because she was so worried about me yesterday, because I had some stupid lupus fever and sickness, and she was all worked up, and I just hope to God I didn't stress her out and do this to her. Not that I could have helped it. It came out of nowhere and knocked me out, like it always does. But I feel horribly. I'm trying not to stress and be worried and sad, because that will just trigger more of my bullshit, but it is hard not to. I'd have to be soul-less. and I'm not. So for now I'm just waiting. And hoping. I think in some ways, it would be better. But it doesn't mean I want her to go. I don't know. I'm a mess. Sorry to depress. 

We're like.....When Harry Met Sally, except without the great one-time sex, and the whole actually falling in love thing

Breakfast with H was wonderful. So good to see her, and she looks great and it sounds like she's doing really well. And it is always just wonderful to catch up with her. And talk about our general lack of interest in the opposite sex. Because they just waste time in life. (but we aren't bitter). And then I used the above statement to describe my life. Caught up on a bit of m-ville gossip, but neither of us really keep up on it too much, so it wasn't that exciting. Then dropped her off back at home, so she could head up to their big family deal. 

And I went to get my massage. And, as usual, heaven. Rich is an awesome masseur. And I found out today that he's massaged random famous people when he used to work in Georgia, at some big hotel that most celebrities stayed at when they performed at the Fox Theatre down there, like Damn Edna, Paul Anka, Neil Young, Whitney Houston and Paul McCartney. AMAZING. Not that it in any way affects his abilities as a massage therapist, but it is kind of cool. So yea. And we chatted a lot about Ireland and all sorts of things. Everyone else seems to think it is weird that I'm not creeped out by the whole thing, but seriously, it's his job. Yes, you have to take off clothes to get a massage, but its not like they see anything. And if they accidentally did, they wouldn't care. He's a holistic healer, and I always feel so so so much better afterwards. Plus, I feel like I'm being pampered. Like a little rich person. And it's fun to occasionally pretend that you live the good life. Even if you don't actually live the good life.

And now I'm going to work on my little project for work. Which is looking up random good advice quotes, which I'm going to attach to pieces of candy, and put in a basket in our cube, so that when random people take candy, they can also have good business and general life advice. I think this will help improve office moral. And I think it will help people change. Because some people there need to work on their behavior in the office. Seriously. I'm frequently shocked that these people function in the real world. I'm a recent college grad and I'm a billion times more mature and professional then some of them. AND I fully intend to put at least one quote that says something about how sometimes words actually speak louder than actions. So that the silly, smiley boy can actually talk to me. Instead of just doing that cute little smile. With dimples. Not that I've noticed. 

Guns don't kill people, people kill people. And occasionally monkeys with guns kill people.

I found a crazy quotes site last night that has like 7 pages devoted to Eddie Izzard quotes. By last night, I really mean yesterday at work. I was trying to find quotes about seeing the "bigger picture" for Stacey....since no one we work with either ad GDLS or GDBIW seems to be able to do that. And while I was searching, I was distracted by Eddie Izzard. Love him. Sad I didn't go see him in June when I could have, but oh wells.

Had a lovely chat with my buddy last night. Not that I don't love being such good friends with him normally anyway, but sometimes I really really love it. Last night was one of those good conversations, he rambled for a bit, I rambled a ton, and we effectively caught up. And now we have a 2 conversations per week rule. I'm not gonna lie, I think this is awesome. I feel like I'm really content and settled in this friendship, and I appreciate that he feels he can talk to me about things, and I know I can talk to him about things. And its just really good. And now I can use him to help me actually find a guy. He's already been helpful with the silly work boy. (whom, by the by, I said "Good Morning!" to in a not loud, but clear voice yesterday, and wonder of wonders, the fella spoke, saying an enthusiastic "Good Morning!" right back). So yea. And we determined last night that if I was a Batman villian, I would be The Mumbler. Yes thats right. The Mumbler. Batman could never catch me because everytime he asked my weakness, I would mumble it back, and he would be like "what? what did you say?" and I would say "HA! you missed it. Now you're dead, Batman!" This stemmed from the fact that he accuses me of mumbling a lot. I only do it because sometimes I can't keep what I'm thinking in my head, but I don't really want anyway to hear it, so I mumble it rapidly and then then miss it anyhow. So yes, that was the great conversation with my best bud (I won't say best friend because H has that role technically) from last night.

Also last night, I allegedly knocked over some plant of EA's, but the plant fell after I left her room (I had borrowed Disney movies, which btw don't belong to her they are just in her room, and she keeps them on this schistey shelf that is uber unstable, and the plant is on top) and nothing was out of place when I left. First she was pissed because I went in her room, but the night before both K & A had assured me that since her door was open and she wasn't home to just go in, and again they aren't just her movies. Then she was pissed because I should have owned up to having knocked the plant over. Um hello? It wasn't knocked over when I left the room. I grabbed the movies, all was well, and I left. How can I apologize for something I didn't realize even occurred. Then she and A started saying how rude I am, and irresponsible, and my mother agreed with them that I never seem to think that I am in the wrong, that I am a blamer and never take credit for when I mess up, which is a lot more that I seem to think that I do, according to mom. Great. Not only have I had some weird blues going on, but now my mom and sisters need to make me feel like more shit. I need to get out and away from them all. That was another thing we talked about last night, how my family kind of shoots me down a lot. He thinks they are bad for me, and of course thinks I should move there and get a job there and everyone could hang out and it would rock. I just need to find a job in general. The one at CSC is a no go, but I have lots of resumes out. Maybe I will look in Westchester. Except that I have to stay close by till October and the show. Oh well. And now I'm rambling. Time to go get ready for work. Boo, work, boo. And boo, stupid family, boo.

sometimes a girl needs to feel like a princess

Note the tiara made out of beads. I'm pretty sure I acquired it the year I did Miss Montville, and effectively won NO title whatsoever, so my best friend at the time bought me a tiara at the Montville Fair to make me feel special. And last night I dragged it out (not really out, just took it down from where it was hanging) because I watched Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella, and damnit I thought I should get a tiara too. Whilst viewing these Disney classics, it occurred to me why I have a freakish obsession with guys with nice teeth and fabulous smiles. Because every damn prince/heroic male figure in Disney films has beautiful teeth and a winning grin. Prince Philip, as he croons to Brier Rose about having known her "once upon a dream" is flashing the most beautiful animated smile. In Cinderella, Prince Charming's (because frankly, you never do hear his real name) regal countenance is lit up with a sweet smile as he and Cinderella waltzed through the palace. And while I didn't watch the others (tonight perhaps? Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid, Snow White, Aladdin) I know they all have great teeth. Even the Beast as a Beast has pretty pearly whites, despite the fact that they are all pointy and sort of like fangs. But heck, when he transforms, again, it is dental perfection. And so I feel that my deep seeded attraction to men with great teeth stems from watching too many tales of true love, in animated form. Other things stem from this as well. Some hopeless romantic idea that some wonderful person is going to show up out of nowhere and love me and sweep me off my feet. And of course they will love me at first sight. Or potentially first sound-another common theme seems to be that the woman has a beautiful singing voice, and as she sings to her forest (or ocean, or jungle) friends, the prince/hero hears her "Hark, what is that lovely sound?" and even before laying eyes on her ridiculous beauty, falls for her. Better get my vocal chords back into shape, and start singing randomly to any squirrel I see. Just in case my hero is waiting around the corner. I don't know, I remember talking with the mexicans about all the things they've done for women in their lives, and then them asking me what guys have done for me, and I believe what I said was "I want a refund on romance. My love life has been crap". (of course, the things those two did for women was over the top. I might have a heart attack if any guy I liked did even a quarter of what they did). And watching disney reminds me that I have shitty taste in men, who suck at being a prince or a hero, and who never put forth the amount of effort that I deserve. I work my ass off to impress men that could care less. So yes. Even though it makes me somewhat melancholy (which, I remember hearing that word used by Mellificent in Sleeping Beauty when I was little, and thinking she was talking about cauliflower....I was weird when I was little) I will probably watch more tales of true love later tonight. Because despite the fact that it reminds me that up until this point, I've been shafted by the fates, it does remind me that, even in animated fairy tale form, love does exist. It likely has no forest creatures singing and helping with chores, nor men on white steeds, nor castles (though if I go to Ireland....), but it is there. Eventually I'll find it. And when I do, I will come home, put on my tiara, and sing to a squirrel. 

I just want to be cooooool

And by that, I mean temperature wise. Cool people often aren't really that cool, I've found. I've also found that heat waves suck. I'm melting like a popsicle in hell. Sweating like a ho in church. That sort of deal. Gross. 

I said before I would update about Maine, but really, I was only there a day and was not present for all the really great moments. Which both makes me mad/jealous, and also a bit feeling as though I don't belong with them in the first place. I'm not really fun. I like observing their fun madness, but I am never really part of it. And for some reason, I feel like they only let me in out of pity. Even when they all came to my place for my party, I felt like they felt they had to. Excepting one person, of course. And there is the whole going away party for little L tonight, and of course I can't go (one, its a Tuesday, two, its two hours away, three I have to work in the am duh) and that makes me feel even more detached from them. As if I didn't already, since they get to see each other and hang out and be fun like every damn day. I know I'm supposed to grow up, but isn't that like, a choice? Don't I get to be the one to decide its time? I feel like its being forced upon me, and making me think my friends don't really want to be my friends (again there are exceptions to this). I don't know. I feel like I've been fired as TRON Mom, like I'm not even in the family at all. 

Maybe I'm just being mopey and depressed because I'm hot and tired, and had a shitty day at work which I feel like is going to get worse as I "escalate" the issue, following company procedure. I'm applying for a gajillion jobs, sending out resumes and letters and all sorts of nonsense. I'm working on the play- doing my part of the research for my character (its like homework for community theatre- crazy). And this Saturday I get to see my BEST FRIEND EVER, though only for breakfast. Briefly. Stupid Michigan. But even a bit of time will be great. I miss her so much. If she was around, even if I did miss my purchase folks and feel like they didn't like me, I would be able to pick her up and we could go somewhere and do something awesome and it wouldn't hurt so much. Because even though I know she loves me, its better when shes here to show me. 

The rest of my party was great- John & Lesley Byrnes came so that was AWESOME. and David, Dylan and Patrick Conaway (I haven't seen the kids in like 3 years). Also Patty & Frank, Joanne (missed her soooo much) and Jon and Toni-Anne stopped by too. And the Baldwins. And my grandpa and nonnie (though she hermited up in her room for most of it). The food was great, I tried my hardest to be a perfect hostess, and overall it was pretty sweet. 

The next day the kids left mad early, and later the sisters and I saw Batman (AMAZINGINCREDIBLEBESTMOVIEOFLIFEPOSSIBLYEVER) And later Mamma Mia (don't waste your time. And if you EVER enjoyed Pierce Brosnan as Bond, for your own sake, keep far away) Now back to the main boring crap of life. Tonight, seeing EA and Pablo play a gig in Mystic (margaritas to follow I hope!). Next weekend, Adirondacks with the family (sans EA) then the next week, Styx and Boston in concert! wooooo. Hopefully all this fun will get me out of my schlump. And maybe it will finally thunderstorm and release us from this death. We shall see.

Virginia is for lovers, Maine is for K-Hawks

Can't do a full post, but wanted to put some pics.....amazing. Absolutely amazing. I LOVE THESE PEOPLE. And the view there- incredible.