come weary soul and rest upon my shoulder

Well....we had services here. Drove to Colden. Had services there. A lot of family. I was able to get through my part ok. And everyone said it was a lovely and fitting tribute to her. I guess that should make me happy. The whole thing was weird. Staying in the house that is no longer my grandmother's, but my uncle and his wife's. Its really different and awful. And because I'm his godchild, I was the one who had to stay there (to be fair, K stayed until she lost it on Friday and went to A&J's with the rest of the family). As usual, my godson was awful to me. He basically treats me like crap and thinks that it won't matter because as his godmother, I HAVE to love him. And the funny thing is, I don't care. I find him to be more tolerable than his obnoxious little brother. I can't stand him. Colden, was, as usual, beautiful. That is one thing I love about Western NY, so much wide open space. Like miles and miles and miles and so much sky. I love it. And seeing my cute cousins was fun. Zoe and Tylie are adorable. They're learning to talk and do things and its just awesome. In the following pictures, ice cream time, Zoe is all about the neat little licks of her cone, and Tylie is just a mess. Priceless. So yes, following: pictures of the way up, there, and back. Thrilling, I know.

the end.

It is finally over. Now I just have to get through the services here, and the ones in Buffalo, and then life can hopefully return to some sense of normalcy. I hope her soul is free and without the weight of this world. I'm pretty sure she's somewhere with her siblings, friends, and my pop-pop, glad to be reunited. that is all.

can't someone please just drive here and kidnap me, spirit me away to someplace else? I can't take it. it is getting to the point where I no longer just want her to die (she still hasn't. I can't figure it out since she hasn't had fluids in more than 3 days, and no food for a week, why is she hanging on?) but I myself want to die. like I can't escape my family and this whole awful thing and I just want to not even exist. I'm done.

Moocher of Joy?

h'Okay so, you know how you're supposed to be really happy for your friends when things go well for them, and congratulate them and all that? I think I have a problem. The problem isn't that I'm not happy for them, it is, I think, that I am TOO happy. Like with my dear friend getting the job he wanted at VH1 (because he totally did. which I knew he would) I have been mad excited. As soon as he texted me with the info I was like, "YESSSS!" out loud, so everyone around me (I stayed home from work yesterday) was like, "What? What?" and when I explained it they just thought it was nice. But I was lit up like a Christmas tree. And I couldn't help but tell him how awesome and amazing he is, and congrats, and how proud I am (am I his mother? do I have ANY right to be proud at all? I did nothing to contribute to his greatness-perhaps it is like I'm so proud to be friends with someone like him?) and I really think I have an issue. I don't get excited about anything in my own life anymore....but any little thing that happens to him is cause for celebration and a huge grin on my face. And lately, it is the only thing that cheers me up, having him tell me how wonderful his life is going. I don't want to live vicariously through him, especially because I'm not like him in so many ways, but it seems I am freely feeding off of his joy. I hope he doesn't mind. It kind of takes me back to when we first met and first started hanging out, I told him I was just spending time with him because he was always so happy and cheerful that I just wanted to mooch off his joy. He told me that better not be the only reason we hang out. And of course it wasn't. I was falling for him at the time. So I said it was also because of his great smile (which was also true- whether or not I love him, at any given time, I will always be a sucker for his smile). Anyway, I just know I'm like the happiness leech. But I can't help but be happy for him. 

In other news, nonnie still hanging on. Yesterday I actually went in a lot. She even smiled a bit when I came in. I hope she's not in horrible pain, but I think the morphine and adovan are helping with that. 

Now, for work. 

Exhausted. I'm just becoming mentally and physically exhausted. I go to bed at like 8:30 to try and get as much sleep as possible (compensating for the fact that I wake up a ton) and still my body is like, "um yea about that- lets go back to sleep." What is terribly annoying is that when I do sleep, I pretty much only dream about one person, and I shouldn't be dreaming about him. At all. I know it is just because I miss him a ton. But really, subconscious, really? 

So the days keep dragging on. I actually went in the room yesterday evening because mom made me ask aunt C what she wanted to drink for dinner, and it was awful. She is just laying there starving to death, looking more skeletal than when they first brought her. That is why I don't go in. The sight of someone starving to death makes me want to drive off a bridge. Am I being selfish and stupid because I can't give an old dying woman some of my time before she goes? Maybe, but I think it is better that I avoid it than go in and look like I'm all freaked out by her. Everyone knows I don't have a poker face- she would see instantly (even in her drugged out, barely able to open her eyes state) that I was uncomfortable. And wouldn't it feel worse to know that someone is bothered by the sight of you? I think so. Again, I maintain my one visit to tell her I love her rule, and other than that I just can't do it. I feel guilty, but truthfully, I don't want to hurt her feelings. This whole thing sucks.

Finding a job also sucks. I'm so proud of that dear boy, most likely going to work with VH1 soon....I bet he'll get it hands down. He's like wonderboy for all his graphics. I'm really proud of him. As for me, I'm going to be officially without health insurance next Friday, the 16th. Bad news bears. I really really wish one of the places I've sent my resume could just read the summa cum laude part, and all the skills, and be like, "by george she is EXACTLY what we've been searching for!" Alas, it is not so easy. And everyone is like, "You aren't being aggressive enough!" but what would you like me to do? Bang down their doors saying, "YOU NEED TO HIRE ME RIGHT NOW I'M AMAZING!" uh so not my style. I'm a little more subtle. Low key, if you will. I just want to hear back from one, even if it is just an email or call saying they are not interested. Courtesy anyone? 

And now, to get ready. Rain today. Just starting now in fact. I like rain.

Oh Monday Monday how could you leave and not take me?

I'm beginning to feel the wear of the situation, on me, my siblings, and my relatives. K & B are getting mad tense and snapping at everything and both acting as though they aren't the bitchy ones. A & I are trying to lay low. Keep a minimal profile. Except A goes in and sits with nonnie. I cannot. It makes me horrifically uncomfortable and feeling like I shouldn't be there. So I don't go in. And that bothers some people. But I can't do it. And despite taking extra prednisone and trying not to mess up, I can feel my body start to react to the stress. The muscle and joint pain, the swelling, and the headaches. And of course every three to five minutes I spasm and a few times since I was eating, started to choke. Tonight, early to bed. More rest means less body reaction. I hope.

In other news, the incomparable Alfred Hunt wrote me a recommendation for the Mitchell Scholarship, and sent me a little email letting me know that he had just returned from Europe and apologized for not doing it sooner. The man is wonderful. I have to travel to Purchase to get a "certified" copy of my transcript (from which to make 9 other copies, not certified) and of course to get my damn diploma after what I'm sure will be a fun battle with the library. Oh and to pay parking tickets. Fucking Purchase. And perhaps see some friends. But I won't be able to get there till after all this stuff is over. I have jury duty August 22nd, yay for doing your civic duty! And going to Boston to see if the rheumatologists at Beth Israel are more compassionate and more intelligent than mine, who believes that despite my constant pain, since my bloodwork is good, I'm good. Dick.  Still have lots of resumes out there, hoping to find something. Need good insurance. 

But really, other than the whole death looming over my house thing, things are good. I'm lucky. I know this. And for some reason, some little part in my brain is all my buddy A telling me "you need to experience life just like everyone else" so maybe this is just a lesson. Maybe this is about learning to experience things and that you just have to take it in and learn and not be angry or bitter. Death is part of life. I wish he was here. Its pretty stupid when I'm falling apart all I want is for him to pat me on the head and comfort me. But I appreciate the outpouring of kindness from my friends, near and far. As lame and cheesy as it may seem, I gain some strength knowing that everyone cares. 

Where do we go

.......when we die? Does it really just end? I can't fathom ceasing to exist. Ceasing to be. I can't imagine not knowing the things I know, loving the people I love, living the life I live. Do we really just stop being? In Buddhism, after you die you go into the Bardo world, full of demons and tricks trying to keep you from moving on to your next life. But it isn't really you. It's your soul. But it isn't you. In fact, it doesn't remember ever being you. And in the next life, it just starts over. No questions. No weird feeling that it was once you. Of course, as a Christian, I should believe that there is a heaven. A lovely place in the sky, where all the people that died before you are waiting to celebrate with you. Heck, maybe even people you didn't know. Like da Vinci. Maybe you get to meet them and chat with them. But only if you were good. That is the catch, gotta be good. Somehow, I would like to think there is something after you die. Where does the energy that makes up you go? It must go somewhere. Energy does not just disappear. It constantly transforms. And it is one thing to believe that the energy that makes up your physical body then turns into food for the worms that will eat it while you sit in the ground decomposing, but what happens to the energy of your mind? Of your soul? It can't just disappear. It is scientifically impossible. Everyone knows the mind emits great amounts of energy, thats how the power of attraction works. They've done studies showing that your thoughts emit energy. And I'm inclined to believe that thoughts are outside the realm of your physical body. So where does it go? Where do we go? 

If you can't tell, my grandmother is dying. slowly. Tomorrow she will come to our house to basically starve to death, with pain medication so she can't feel it. Hospice is coming in to monitor things, and we have the special bed and oxygen and all of that. That way she won't be in an awful hospital, but will be in what has become her room in our house, windows open and breeze coming in, and all of us here, and we seem to think this will make it better. I don't think it will. She knows what is happening. She can't speak, and rarely responds to us, but I know she knows. And I can't imagine how scared she must be. Because how do you know that you are going to die, and soon, and not freak out? How do you resign yourself to no longer being? I don't know. I guess our purpose is just to remind her how much we love her before she goes. And hope she goes peacefully. But again, how do you just slip peacefully into something you don't know or understand? People I've known, and loved, have died. But not right in front of me. I don't know how to sit by and watch. And what bothers me most, is that I keep having these horrible flashes that someday that will be me. Obviously everyone dies, but I keep having nightmares (when I can fall asleep that is) that its going to happen to me when I'm still young. When I have these dreams, I'm not an 80-year-old woman who has lived a really great life and had love and babies and grandbabies and all that. I'm young. So not only am I scared for my grandmother going into the unknown, but for me. I know this is awful and depressing, but I need to get some of it out. So I apologize. I'm so scared.