ugh

Well let us see.....the opening night of my show was really good. There were of course, a few flubs but for the most part, I was totally on and the other good folk were as well. Its just the two that aren't on that are a problem. A problem which got worse Saturday. So those two get to do extra work this week, to help them not ruin the show. It is very frustrating having to clean up after someone onstage....no one likes having to do on the spot improv because you can't remember your lines. So maybe by next weekend it will be better. On opening night, E's 14-year old pack of guy friends called me hot. Creeeeeepy. I'm sorry but having someone who is 9 years younger and huge jailbait call you hot is disconcerting. Nevermind that I dated someone 9 years older than me, I was 18 at the time and so it wasn't illegal. And nothing happened anyway. So yea that was weird. D has like, told his 25-year-old, apparently well-worked-out and rather handsome boss to come to the show, and promised to introduce us. He must have talked me up a lot, since the kid gave him a bottle of scotch to thank him, and he hasn't met me yet. We'll see how that turns out. I would like to have a distraction.

Saturday sucked, because I once again said how I feel about something, and apparently that is just no good. I'm really done with this this time. Like, he continues to act like its just me being crazy and mad for no reason, and the thing is, I explained why I felt like I do. I said precisely what was making me upset. Not even mad because I wasn't mad, I just felt like he only talks to me (once a week) because he thinks he has to. Because he calls when he only has ten seconds to talk, rambles on about himself and his life and how great and busy he is, briefly asks about my life, but barely listens (and I know this because when I re-mention things in the next weeks' chat, he has no clue what I'm talking about). Then he gets off the phone quick. Or, better yet, the time I called him since he hadn't called me that week, he made me feel like I was interrupting him and S working, so I said I would call back, and he said no so we talked for two seconds again, then he put S on the phone. So for him to tell me this is just me being me (read= me being unreasonably crazy and jealous and not believing that he gives a shit) and that he was done trying to convince me that he actually cares or wants to be my friend is bullshit. Thats what makes me so upset. That we are supposed to be best friends, supposed to be able to talk to eachother about things, and when I try to be honest and say that I feel like he's only doing things to make it seem like he is keeping up his end of the friendship, because all evidence points to that, he flips out and makes me seem like the bad person. And hes like "you do this all the time- if I'm not constantly in touch with you, you get mad so that I'll pay attention to you. and you get mad because I won't have an argument about this with you." I found that to be key. Because no he isn't constantly in touch with me. And even when he is in touch with me, I feel like it is just something to check off his busy to-do list. Like, oh I better call her so that she doesn't get mad (because that is all I do. he thinks I'm mad all the time. When sometimes I'm just quiet, or just don't have anything to say, or don't really care, he thinks I'm mad and judging. He never EVER sees me as anything but that) and when he does talk to me, its not real. Its not like he is calling because he wants to hear my voice, or wants to know how I am, or has something awesome about his life to tell me. He sits there and literally has to think of things to say....like once the first few things of the week are done, he goes "hmm what else...." trying to find something. He once said "don't worry I'll have better stories next week". Stories? Do we really need to come up with stories to be able to talk? When we do talk, I feel like what I'm saying isn't important. He doesn't care about my health stuff and would prefer not to talk about it (I think hes the only person more in denial about it than me. like if you ignore that I'm chronically ill, then I'm not allowed to be. and thus can't use it as an excuse for anything or try to get attention with it. because thats what I try to do) and anything else I mention gets turned into something that happened to him. Like him getting contacted by his ex from 4 years ago, and being all worried that he might have a kid. then saying "so yea luckily I don't have any kids, yet" and I just wanted to scream at him "if you weren't such a freaking manwhore you wouldn't have to worry about that at all. If you were smart and didn't just fuck around un-safely, then you wouldn't have to have that fear of having random offspring" but no. I can't say anything. He always says how he hates my family because he thinks they make me feel bad about myself, and how I need to get away from them. I think its him that makes me feel bad. 

The moral of the story is, I am cutting him out of life for now. I wrote his number down on a piece of paper and hid it away, then took him out of my phone. Then I can't be tempted to contact him. And fuck things up more. He said it is always the same old story with us. So I say, lets close the book. And then burn it. I don't know what to do about his party. I guess I'll still do it. I haven't told anyone about the fight or anything (ie my family) because it is just more of the same and they are sick of him. so I guess I'll fake it. Have the party (at least it will be fun halloween stuff) and try not to care. Thats the real trouble- caring.