I hate being wrong. Further, I hate having to admit that I've been wrong. It is made even more obnoxious when it is something I ought to be sublimely right about, which is to say, myself. But I've been damn wrong. Like, wronger than wrong. This is going to seem stupid to anyone who reads it. But in the end, it is more about me getting it out. I thought I was going to die today. I thought I was having a heart attack. And I sort of did. Not in the real clinical sense mind you, because later when they checked for the enzymes that get released after you have a heart attack, only one of my levels was elevated. But my heart was about to pound itself out of my chest, it was beating so hard and so fast, it was like a jackhammer. Combine that with the intense pain in the center of my chest, and the sweating and clammy pale me clutching my chest, and it lasting for 15 minutes before I called my parents (they were at a funeral I didn't want to bother them) and then another 45 minutes really before they called an ambulance. Once I got a bunch of oxygen, things calmed down. And don't get me wrong, I tried to do the slow down the breathing thing, to do in through the nose, out through the mouth- try to be calm thing. But it wasn't working. Which, admittedly, made me freak out more. Because I thought I was having a heart attack and dying. At 23. While watching, of all things, House, on TV. I didn't want an ambulance so that made me even more hysterical. The oxygen really did help. Half way to the hospital, my heart calmed down and the pain was receding. But my bp was (is) still high, as is my pulse rate. Once at the hospital, two ekgs and xrays and bloodwork showed me to be fine. With the exception of the crazy one enzyme. So I didn't really have a heart attack. Just nearly. 

So I've been pretty wrong about the whole way I live. I really actually do have to take care of myself. I really do need to not eat bad things, and exercise, and lose weight. Its not really an option. I thought I was going to die. I've not often felt like that before. And if I die at my age of a freaking heart attack, that is just unacceptable. I can't play this stupid nothing bad will happen I can do what I want game anymore. If I want to live, I actually have to live right. I know people will think this is lame. And a lot of people will be like "uh duh Meagan we've all been watching you act like a schmuck and hurt yourself and you never change". But I've never really thought I would get that close. Or at least think I was that close. So it is time for me to change. I don't know how, but I can't be having almost-heart-attacks all the time. What if it had been a real one? I don't even know. I just know, this is it. Turning point. September 6, 2008. I am going to live well. and hopefully, longer. 

sorry to be a downer as usual. but I just needed to get it out.