Apathy = new best friend

So. Yes. Things have just gotten to the numb stage. I don't care anymore. So I had an awful cardiology visit in which he is going to make me seek therapy for what he thinks is some kind of ocd/eating/not taking care of myself disorder. And he thinks my heart is ok, but just has a bad nerve. Meaning some silly nerve somewhere twitches, sending an electrical pulse to my ticker, causing it to start beating like a jackrabbits feet upon the ground when a coyote is near (to warn the other jackrabbits, of course). He said next time, to breathe in deep, and then bear down. meaning squidge up your face all funny and contract all your muscles in a downward motion and make fists and tighten all up. He thinks that will help. That said, he also wants to run some tests. Of course. So next saturday I have a stress echo, where I get to walk on a treadmill and he gets to see how my heart reacts. ok. fair enough. then for a month I have to wear a constant ekg machine. a month. boo. then after that, we see where we are. but he wants me in therapy. great. so now my plan of just shutting down is going to be more difficult being that I have to talk to someone. 

I also found out I didn't even make it to the first round of interviews for the scholarship to ireland. and now I have no plan b. I don't know what to do there. that was my whole reason for caring right now. the only thing that really kept me waking up each day. because I would say to myself, hey, this time next year you'll be in ireland. nope. this time next year I'll be hopeless. even more than I am now. When my dad came home from maine last night he asked how I was. Here is the exchange:

D- "So....how are you doing?"

Me- "Oh, okay, you know tired from work. And it is a Friday so of course the ol bones are weary."

D-" No I meant, you know, you had a bad week. With the bad doctors visit. And the news about Ireland. How are you doing? I know it is bad news"

Me- "Yea I guess. But when do I ever get good news, lately? I guess I'm used to it," I mused

D- "You don't care? At all? I don't think it is good that you are this....apathetic about it"

Me- "What else is there to be? I can't feel anything anymore. I've gotten past being disappointed about things. I don't even bother hoping."

D- *Shakes head and trudges upstairs*

I wish I didn't feel so numb. Even today, hanging out with sisterK and looking at wedding stuff for her best friend's wedding, I didn't even get a twinge. Like, wow someday I'll have to look through this. I just thought.....nothing. I felt.....nothing. Probably because I am.....nothing. I have nothing to be happy about. Really. I know that sounds messed up, like I should be glad I have the chance to be alive and "well" and all that. But I don't see the point. Why am I even here?